


In Pieces

by KrystalM



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Attempted Seduction, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Falling In Love, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Merlin, Jealousy, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Seduction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-04-13 23:32:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4541682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrystalM/pseuds/KrystalM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur is MI5's number one field agent. Merlin is just the repair man in the engineering department in MI5. They met, they fought, they trusted each other and somehow, along the way, the trust pushed them into bed together. A pure physical relationship, nothing more to add in between. Merlin however fell in love with Arthur along the way and thinking Arthur won't feel the same way, he ended their relationship. </p><p>Enter Gwaine who had an eye on Merlin for some time now and started seducing him. Will Arthur finally make a move and capture's Merlin's heart like he was supposed to? Jealousy, rivalry and danger can go a long way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii~! Well, this is my first Arthur/Merlin fan fiction here in AO3. I posted about them before in my FFNet account but then again, now I have an AO3 account too, I decided to just give it a try. This is alternate universe, agents universe. To be honest, this fan fiction (just the universe where the story is set in) was requested by one of my dear readers in FFNet. And well, she also gave me a link to a picture she saw and wanted me to write something from there. So, the picture inspired me and here is the story.
> 
> The plot, I made it up on my own though. 
> 
> I know I still have one other fan fiction to complete and it is being completed, but along the way, I wrote this! I hope you guys like it~ Give me a kudos if you guys do and comment below to let me know what you guys think! Until the next chapter (if people wants it) -Krystal
> 
> Catch me here too!
> 
> [Wattpad](http://www.wattpad.com/user/KrystalM) | [FFNet ](http://www.fanfiction.net/~xokrystalmox) | [GoodReads](https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/42035367-krystal-m) | [Tumblr](http://thekmuniverse.tumblr.com/) | [LiveJournal](http://kmunroe.livejournal.com/)

 

It happened again, Merlin thought as he lied spent on the bed while the blond-haired man slumped on him with a short huff. It had happened again despite what he told himself right after every end of this. Every single time, he would vow to himself that he wouldn’t go back to how they were—that he wouldn’t allow himself to get swept away by him.

 

But as he finally regained his breath, he realised he was only fooling himself. He nudged the taller man above him as he felt his body started to ache from the weight. “Get off,” Merlin spoke hushed. The blond-haired man simply did as what he was told and rolled off from Merlin, lying next to him.

 

Silence rung in the air as Merlin tried to work something in his head. But nothing was moving and he suspected that he was far too deep to retract himself from him. The blond-haired man simply sat up after that before moving out of the bed. He grabbed his clothes as he ran his fingers through his hair.

 

“I’m going to take a shower first,” he said, looking at Merlin. The brunet simply looked away before exhaling out a shaky breath.

 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

Once the bathroom door closed, Merlin looked at the empty space next to him. It had always been like this. He had always been used like this before he was tossed away—only needed when he was beginning to sound important. Merlin didn’t know why he stayed around. He could’ve upped and left any minute, it wasn’t as if he was tied down to him.

 

But the truth remained that even if he had wanted to leave at one point, his heart backtracked and at the end, he found himself next to him once more. Merlin sat up, propping on his elbows before he pushed himself upwards. He rubbed his face and ran his fingers through his semi-wet hair from the sweat.

 

He felt used though.

 

His heart constricted painfully at the thought that he was about to be tossed away once more. His head started to throb in pain and his chest was becoming stuffy. It was getting harder to breathe. Why did he let himself fall hard for this man? Merlin knew that he wouldn’t feel the same way. When they did it the first time, the blond-haired man had made it clear that this could only go as far as to physical comfort.

 

Nothing emotional was to ever enter this equation.

 

But whenever he touched Merlin, the brunet felt like he was in another world, a world that had softer colours and better views. Merlin fell in love with that world. Now, he was stuck here in the middle of the exit door and to the entrance of that world he loved very much.

 

He touched his bare chest and wondered if he could last long enough to make it through this. The bathroom door clicked open and Arthur walked out, already dressed in his fresh pair of clothes. He adjusted his vest and ran his fingers through his hair.

 

“The shower’s clear,” he said as he walked to the desk near the bed and gathered his things.

 

“Alright,” Merlin spoke, his voice sounded hoarse. Arthur looked at him after he made sure he had everything he needed and placed the money on the desk. With that, Arthur nodded at the brunet and walked out of the room. The door clicked closed, Merlin let out a dry laugh.

 

Why was he even surprised?

 

It had started six months ago. But he met Arthur way before this started between them. Merlin had been working for MI5 for three years before he was promoted to work in the weapons engineering department. He had thought that finally he was being recognised for his talents—but at the end, he was just the repairs man.

 

When he first met Arthur, it was when he came to Merlin asking for his fixed gun. Arthur Pendragon was MI5’s number one agent. He was always the best in what he does and he was also whom everyone would fawn over, men or women. He was a walking wet dream, Gwen, his colleague and best friend had told him one day.

 

Merlin was awestruck at the elegance of that man. It was as if he was seeing a live movie star. But that image was quickly ruined when Arthur opened his goddamn mouth. The insults and snarky replies got to Merlin quick and vice versa, it made Arthur irked whenever Merlin argued back. The brunet wasn’t anyone important in MI5. He wasn’t a field agent, he wasn’t someone tasked to the agent—he was _him_.

 

He was the repairs man.

 

And Arthur was a Pendragon; his father was a number one agent as well before he got killed in action a few years ago. Now, his son was carrying down the legacy. So, when they first met, Arthur threw out an insult about his competency to listen and it started a chain reaction they didn’t know could ever happen in a million years.

 

After that day, Arthur started coming around a lot more. Sometimes he would be there waiting for Merlin to show up or sometimes, he would simply appear out of nowhere, toss the useless machine he had at the moment on his desk and stalk off. Merlin didn’t know it was possible to see an agent more than once—but he got to see Arthur almost every day except when he was on missions.

 

Gwen had told him that it was normal for engineers to meet up with their agents often. Merlin didn’t think it applied to him but he decided to take that as a possible explanation. Then, the months flew by and Merlin accidentally started to see Arthur out of work.

 

They talked, they talked about a lot of things and despite their bickering and insults, they told each other things that nobody else knew about them. And they kept it a secret, holding it dearly to their hearts as if that was what kept them going. Knowing that someone else was just like you was a comfort to the both of them. It forged a string of attachment that couldn’t be undone by just sheer insults. It was supposed to be stronger than that.

 

And one day—the barrier between them broke into something warmer when he caught Arthur looking wrecked up one morning. When Merlin realised it was his mother’s death anniversary that day, he didn’t rile Arthur up like he used to—but he didn’t treat him like something fragile either. Arthur found him again that night while Merlin was working late and asked him about the reason he acted nice to him today.

 

Merlin simply said, “I lost my father too, Arthur. I know how it feels. But—I can only sympathise. I can’t actually help you with the pain.”

 

That night, their co-working boundaries morphed into something else—but Merlin knew now that it wasn’t close to friendship, not yet. It was still the beginning of something important in his life because all of a sudden, he had someone he could trust. Arthur proved it over and over again after that day that Merlin could depend on him.

 

So, he did.

 

And that security somehow caused them to tumble in between the sheets one day. It just happened. Arthur had been missing for a few days even after the mission was due. There was no news from the infamous agent and everyone was beginning to wonder what had happened to him. He even went off radar.

 

That was the first time Merlin felt like he was genuinely worried for someone. He somehow couldn’t figure out how his days were going to be without Arthur. Well, he knew but those days were always filled with so much insecurity and dullness that when Arthur had waltzed into his world, everything seemed brighter and warmer.

 

So, when Arthur appeared one month after he was labelled missing, looking all broken and exhausted on Merlin’s house porch, Merlin had ushered him inside and took care of him. Then, one thing led to another and somehow, they ended up together under the sheets.

 

When they woke up the next morning, Merlin tried to hide the panic of losing Arthur for good. But the man simply didn’t say anything obstructive. And there was something weird in his eyes when he looked at Merlin. He touched the brunet’s cheek and caressed his cheekbone before he leaned in and kissed him again.

 

Merlin froze under his touch but there was something in his touches that had Merlin reeled in immediately, so he kissed him back, already pushing his fingers through the soft blond hair. Arthur had pushed him down on his back once more before he broke the kiss. “I want you,” he whispered to him that day and Merlin felt his heart thundering against his chest.

 

“You do?”

 

“Yeah,” Arthur said as his right hand started to skim down from his arm to his chest. “I had wanted you since the first time I saw you.”

 

Now, he realised how foolish he had been when he thought it meant something more at that time. At the end, when they started this, he realised it was purely physical. Arthur didn’t want to do anything emotional with him. He was only wanted when Arthur wanted to be himself—when he wanted to be real, but later when reality sounded comfortable enough to walk out, the blond would leave him.

 

It had been six months after that and Merlin tried to keep anything unrelated or emotional away from this. But he kept on failing, every single time Arthur touched him. It was as if he was being emotionally encouraged once more every time Arthur laid his hands all over him. It was as if he was being loved even though he knew it was nothing like that.

 

Sometimes, it left Merlin mentally drained. Sometimes, the activity itself wasn’t exhausting, it was the aftermath. They would always meet up per usual somewhere, anywhere private and one thing would lead to another and just like that, Merlin would be under Arthur’s mercy once more. 

 

But the touches were so gentle, it was as if this was going to be the last time and it always hurt Merlin inside. The aftermath had always felt worse when Arthur would get up and leave, as if he was done with this—done with them. Their easy going bickering stopped abruptly, everything natural flew out of the window. By the end of it all, Merlin felt like he was only a body satisfying Arthur’s wants.

 

Once he was done, the brunet was left alone.

 

He sighed as he got out of the bed and headed to the bathroom, his heart felt heavy in his chest. “I’m such an idiot.”

 

***

 

Merlin worked as usual. He got to his work before eight and got himself a cup of hot coffee. Then, he would go to his desk and start working. But today, Merlin felt worn out. He was casted aside once more by the man he fell in love with. He took in a deep breath as he felt the headache started to return.

 

He looked at the load of work on his table. He didn’t feel like working today, he just wanted to drown himself in something, anything that would make him forget about this heartache. It didn’t take long for his day to get worse though.

 

The brunet was walking down the hallways, heading to the cafeteria when he saw Arthur and his group passing by him. But as usual, the blond-haired man didn’t see him. There was however a woman next to him, another agent, Merlin deduced. She had a bright smile and a cocky atmosphere around her as she curled her hand on his arm.

 

The sight of them getting close didn’t settle well for Merlin. He continued to walk away from there, his heart once again throbbing against his chest painfully. He knew Arthur was popular; he had always been everyone’s dream partner, including Merlin’s. The only difference between them and him was that Merlin had gotten close to the blond-haired man.

 

It was the matter that emotional ache was involved that made this dysfunctional relationship even more fucked up. One day, somewhere down the road, Arthur was going to find someone he could get both this physical comfort and emotional reassurance from and then, he was going to end this between them. That day would be the day Merlin was going to die from within.

 

He abruptly stopped walking when he realised that maybe— _she_ was going to be reason Arthur was going to stop this. He was going to tell Merlin that he had found someone he loved. He was going to break the brunet from inside and he was going to leave him stranded. Merlin took in a shaky breath as he felt the painful reality squeezing his heart tightly.

 

He touched his chest gently and patted himself, a bitter smile worked on his lips.

 

And yet, he was still here, waiting for that day like an obedient dog.

 

Because he loved him, until the end.

 

***

 

Days passed by and Merlin hadn’t seen any signs of Arthur. But it wasn’t as if this was the first time he did something like this. He would appear when he wanted to, and usually it led them lying under the sheets. He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair.

 

“Hey,” Gwen walked up to him, adjusting her lab coat. Merlin looked up from his work and gave her a genuine smile.

 

“Gwen,” Merlin greeted her before he took the cup of coffee which was on the desk and sipped the lukewarm coffee. She smiled at him back.

 

“You look tired,” she said and Merlin looked down on himself before he looked back at her.

 

“I am,” he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck as he continued sipping his coffee. “I haven’t gotten any proper rest for a few days now.”

 

“Work, huh,” she said, frowning slightly. Merlin knew that it was futile trying to hide anything from her. She always seemed to know what was going on. “Merlin,” she started. “Is everything alright?”

 

“Fine,” Merlin said dismissively. He placed the cup on the desk and sat down on his chair. He then leaned back before rolling his neck. The crick at the back of his neck was making him feel uncomfortable. His mind was also starting to feel messed up, jumbled up and disarrayed.

 

She raised her eyebrows in disbelief. “You’re lying,” she said as she took a few steps forward, standing right in front of his desk. “Merlin.”

 

“It’s nothing,” Merlin said as he glanced at her. “I just have a lot on my mind.”

 

She bit her bottom lip before her eyes softened, something like pity making way in her eyes. “Is it about Arthur?”

 

Merlin visibly flinched at the name. He didn’t tell Gwen about their little arrangement. He didn’t tell her about how he felt about him. He didn’t tell her anything related to him. He didn’t want to constantly remind himself about the fact that he would never get more than what he was getting now. He didn’t want to drown himself in self-pity and wallow it like an idiot.

 

He knew what he had to do. He knew it—but why was he still so scared to take a step? Arthur had tied him down like this, with his gentleness, his smile, his laughter, and his dreams—before they started their fucked up relationship, they were beautiful. They were—different. They were new. They were old. They were _them_.

 

But now, it was fading into the background. The trust they built in the years they’ve known each other was breaking apart because of what they had started six months ago. His heart quivered at every touch, his mind went blank at every word and his body responded to every notion.

 

Why couldn’t they be more?

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Gwen,” Merlin said though his voice was shaky and his eyes were casted down.

 

“I know, Merlin,” Gwen said. The brunet immediately looked at her, his eyes widening. “I know that—you two are inseparable.”

 

“Gwen—”

 

“And now, it’s like you two never even met,” she continued, frowning deeper and her eyebrows scrunched deep. “What happened?”

 

“What do you mean?” Merlin threaded the conversation carefully. He felt slight panic rushing into his body. If Gwen noticed it—who else did? Was Arthur aware of this? She read the panic flashing in his eyes before she sighed.

 

“I mean,” she said. “I’m your best friend, Merlin. I know what’s going on with you—I can read you like an open book. Lately, you look like as if someone killed someone or something dear to you and I have a feeling it’s Arthur. So, tell me, what’s going on?”

 

Merlin thinned his lips before he stood up and shook his head. “Nothing is going on.” _And that was the problem_.

 

“Merlin—”

 

“I can’t,” he said cutting her off. “I can’t tell you, Gwen. I’m not—I can’t.”

 

She closed her mouth as she searched his face. After a minute, she dropped her shoulders and nodded. “Fine,” she said. Then, she looked at him in the eyes and said, “But remember, Merlin. I’m always here for you.”

 

The brunet gave her a smile despite how he was feeling inside. “I know.” But there really was no difference. He couldn’t tell her he was sleeping with Arthur and had fallen in love with him along the way. He felt so stupid and wrong inside. He felt like he was messed up from within.

 

Just where did he go wrong?

 

“I know.”

 

***

 

He had seen Arthur again this time; he was walking past the training arena to the elevator. He had just checked out the conditions of the weapons near the training area (it was his turn this time). He was going through the list of items when the sounds of gun shots stopped him. He turned to his right and noticed it was Arthur, shooting off at the targets with precision—as usual.

 

Merlin felt the world stopping around him for a second as he stared at how focused the blond-haired man was. It was as if nothing in this world could touch, could push him down, could hurt him and it was as if he was indestructible. Merlin felt a swell of pride in his chest but it was tampered down when he realised he was not alone.

 

It was that female agent again. Merlin found her face looked familiar and he guessed it would be since she might be one of the best agents as well if she was acting so close to Arthur. Maybe they were acquaintances. Maybe they were working partners. Her bright smile, her glistening eyes and her bottle-shaped figure definitely screamed seduction when she walked close to Arthur, placing a hand on his shoulder gently.

 

Arthur had turned around to look at her before he grinned wide, pulling down his earmuffs. He pulled his gun from the outstretched stance and placed it on the desk next to him. Merlin watched how they interacted from afar, his heart wilting silently at each gentle swat on his arm and smiles returned. He realised soon that she was winning him from Merlin. Well, that was an incorrect deduction since Arthur never belonged to him in the first place.

 

Then, she wrapped her arms around Arthur and leaned it, hugging him and the pain shot through Merlin like fire when he saw how Arthur hugged her back. There was no jealousy lingering in his heart, just pain, pure pain and the harsh realisation that he was never going to get what she was experiencing at the moment.

 

Something in his mind finally stopped working, something in his heart finally snapped, something in him in general decided that what he got so far was enough. He wanted an out from this constant pain and longing, a cure he would not get for this sickness. He looked away from the scene and walked away.

 

He needed to be able to breathe again without constantly being reminded of his loneliness.

 

He needed to leave Arthur and move on. The only way to do that was to end this relationship.

 

***

 

Arthur wanted to see him again. It had been two days since Merlin had witnessed the scene when Arthur wanted to see him. There was a message for him on the desk that morning, rattling off an address and the room number. He took the note and stared at it. He made up his mind—tonight, he was going to end it all. It was better than waiting around for Arthur to do it.

 

It was convincing enough that Arthur had found his rightful match. It hurt though to know that it wasn’t him. Merlin felt cheap as he placed the note on the desk and sat down on his chair. His mind was whirling from so many thoughts and his chest felt stuffy from the entire bargain he had to give to receive nothing worthy at the end.

 

He went to see Arthur nevertheless that night.

 

He went to the address and it was ironic at how fancy the hotel looked. Obviously Arthur would choose such a fancy place to meet up, it was practically designed in his DNA codes to become a royal prat.

 

The elevator ride to the floor took a few seconds, but in that few seconds, it was enough for Merlin to muster enough courage so that he wouldn’t melt immediately once touched. It was also an impossible feat to accomplish. Arthur was just that gentle, was just that good on making him think about nothing and everything all at once.

 

He was an enigma that Merlin could never solve.

 

He rang the doorbell, once and then twice before the door opened. Arthur stood on the other side, wearing his usual tailored suit and smiled at the brunet. Merlin flinched at the kind look and looked away, rubbing the back of his neck as he took a few steps inside. He closed the door and took in a deep breath.

 

“Hey,” Arthur started. Merlin looked at him before returning the smile with one of his crooked ones. A familiar nervousness washed in him as Arthur took a step forward. “It’s been a while.”

 

Of course it had been.

 

“Yeah,” Merlin said but his voice held no desire. Arthur looked at him for a second before he took another cautious step forward but this time, Merlin took a step back. The abrupt stop had Merlin thinking twice about his decision. But then—the image of the woman with Arthur had once again strengthened his decision. “Arthur—”

 

“I want you.”

 

He felt his heart skip a beat as Arthur took another step forward, his right hand now gently caressing his cheek. The words had once again pushed away any coherent thoughts running in Merlin’s mind. The brunet closed his eyes at the familiar warmth seeping through his skin. “Arthur,” Merlin started again but he couldn’t bring himself to say the words. His resolve was shaking once again.

 

“I’m here,” Arthur spoke gently as he took another step forward. His left hand slowly touched Merlin’s waist, gripping his fingers around it. It wasn’t tight, it was just a gentle touch and it gave much room to the brunet to leave if he didn’t want this now.

 

This kindness was the one that broke apart any shields Merlin had built around his heart.

 

Merlin kept his eyes closed, but he knew Arthur had lessened the distance between their bodies when he felt the grip around his waist tightened just a tad and the warmth radiating from the taller man’s body to his. He could feel Arthur’s breath ghosting against his cheek as his right hand caressed his cheekbone. Merlin gingerly placed both of his hands on Arthur’s chest.

 

Before Merlin could push him away, Arthur’s right hand had travelled to his chin, nudging him to look. Merlin opened his eyes as he looked at Arthur’s blue ones. His breath hitched in his throat when he saw the brightness of those orbs. He felt like crying as he desperately started to hope that it was because of him that Arthur had those bright eyes. “Merlin,” he whispered under his breath, the warmth breath rolled down and touched his upper lip.

 

The brunet shivered as anticipation rolled into the scene. Merlin slowly balled up his fingers into a fist against Arthur’s chest. It shouldn’t go too far. He had to stop this. “Arthur—”

 

He didn’t have a chance to say much as Arthur leaned in, the grip on his chin tightened. He nudged Merlin’s face to meet his and their lips touched, barely, but still touched. Immediately, electricity-like feeling shot down Merlin’s spine as he closed his eyes. A quiet whimper made way through his lips before his cheeks reddened.

 

He heard Arthur chuckling under his breath and then, he felt those warm lips against his. The hand on his waist slowly moved to his lower back and pushed him closer, deeper into Arthur’s embrace while the hand on his chin moved down to his jaw, placing his thumb on his cheek and the rest four fingers cradling his face. Merlin kissed him back immediately, trying to get a taste of his lips against his as if he had been deprived.

 

Merlin’s right hand travelled to his neck, feeling the soft skin under his fingers before touching the back of his neck and running his fingers through his soft blond hair. God, how much he missed this even if it had only been a few days. Their lips mashed in a soft yet rhythmic fashion before Arthur licked his bottom lip.

 

His breath hitched and once again, he hesitated. But he didn’t have much of a choice when Arthur pried open his lips with his tongue, diving in once he got access to the hot cavern. Merlin squeezed his eyes shut as his fingers gripped the blond hair into a ball. His left hand travelled to his neck and jaw before curling his fingers around the shape.

 

He felt Arthur’s tongue feeling everything in his mouth as if this was his first time exploring. Merlin started to feel dizzy from the lack of oxygen. At a certain touch, he shuddered a bit and let out a breathless moan, already feeling the first strings of arousal taking place.

 

“A-Arthur,” he whimpered when Arthur finally broke the kiss. He opened his eyes slowly and was frozen in place when he saw the deep lust mixing with something warm in those blue orbs. Arthur’s right hand moved back to his hip before his thumb caressed him there.

 

He didn’t know how he looked but something flashed in Arthur’s eyes and before he comprehend what was happening, Merlin was pushed against the front door and his lips descended on his again. Merlin closed his eyes and kissed him back frantically, his hands now trying to get a better grip on the blond-haired man. Clutching and grabbing his shoulders and neck, he felt Arthur’s right hand leaving his waist and Arthur shedding the brunet from his clothes, unbuttoning his shirt first.

 

Warning bells went off in Merlin’s head but he was slightly incoherent at the reasons as to why this sounded like a bad idea. Breaking the kiss, Arthur finished unbuttoning the brunet’s shirt, leaving his skin bare for to be touched. “Perfect,” he whispered under his breath and a shade of red trailed down from Merlin’s already flushed cheeks to the bottom of his neck.

 

The technician’s eyes widened at the prospect of being adored like that and felt shy. Unsure of what to do, Merlin grabbed the back of Arthur’s neck and dragged him into another heated kiss. He could already feel the arousal taking him over, his pants were getting tighter and his chest was fluttering gently. “I want you,” Arthur spoke once they broke apart from the kiss.

 

Merlin nodded weakly at the response, untrusting his voice to speak and moved his hands to Arthur’s jacket. He pushed them away from Arthur’s shoulders before trying to unbutton the man’s shirt. His fingers were shaking badly as Arthur bent down and started to kiss at the corner of his lips, travelling to his cheeks before his lips touched his ears.

 

The brunet felt like he was on fire, his body responded as it usually did when Arthur touched him like this. He felt slightly irritated that he couldn’t unbutton the first button but he guessed how could he when Arthur had his hands roaming on his chest like that. His right hand travelled to his right side of his chest and the light feathery touches felt like spikes to Merlin.

 

“A-Arthur,” Merlin moaned out as Arthur sucked the top of his ear, biting it gently before he blew hot air into them. He knew he sounded broken, sounded raw and everything as to why this sounded like a bad idea flew out of the window the moment Arthur’s left hand trailed down to the edges of his jeans.

 

“Merlin,” Arthur mumbled as his lips continued down to the back of his ear, sucking that spot that always made Merlin squirm. The blond haired man pushed his body closer, tighter against Merlin’s and started kissing down his neck, reaching his throat. His teeth scraped at some skin before finding the spots that were soft and sensitive enough to get some kind of reaction from the brunet.

 

Merlin was having a hard time focusing at the task at hand—which was undressing Arthur. His fingers were now shaking badly and at the end, he forgone the task and just started to push the shirt off of him. Arthur pulled away before he eyed Merlin with his heavy-lidded lusted eyes and shook his head gently. He unbuttoned the shirt himself before it fell to the ground with jacket. He then pushed Merlin’s shirt as well which was hanging by on his shoulders to the ground, pooling at their feet.

 

Going back to kissing his neck, Arthur’s left hand travelled to his jeans and started to unbutton it. “A-Arthur,” Merlin whined a bit when Arthur’s right hand started to explore down to his chest, his fingers grazing down to his nipple.

 

Arthur hummed out a response as if it wasn’t affecting him before his lips ended up at the junction between his collar and neck. Then, he sucked at the place where the last hickey way—as if he was trying to renew it. Merlin threw his head back to the door, feeling the pleasure strum through him.

 

Merlin’s own hands didn’t stay still as they explored Arthur’s chest before his fingers ended up scraping at the hard muscles, moaning under his breath when he felt how hard it was. “I need you,” Arthur whispered once more, the hot breath making Merlin stutter.

 

He didn’t know why he said it—“Then have me.” But he did and Arthur took that as an invitation.

 

And they went back at it once more, Merlin forgetting about the real reason he was here. The way the cold and soft sheets felt on his naked skin, the way Arthur’s lips felt all over his body and the way he felt so full and needy when Arthur finally took mercy of him and just fucking had him—it all crashed into Merlin so hard that tears started to pool at the edge of his eyes.

 

“Merlin?” Arthur asked as he huffed out, the pleasure band in both men had long snapped. They were lying on the mess they made and Merlin hadn’t realised that the tears had started to run down his eyes to his temples, dripping on the bed sheets. Arthur rolled off him before he propped on his elbow, looking at the brunet in his eyes. “Merlin.”

 

The fogginess he experienced a few hours ago finally lifted and he felt—broken once more. He felt the sob wrecking through him and he decided, he really couldn’t do this anymore. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, biting his inner cheek along the way. Arthur touched his cheek and caressed it, his face now inches away from his as he looked down on the brunet. “Merlin—”

 

Opening his eyes to meet the blue ones, he felt like someone stole his last breath. Arthur looked magnificent, the way he looked flushed, his hair disarrayed, his lips all swollen—he was a sight. But the dread washed into him when he realised he would never have him as how he wanted and shook his head. “I _can’t_.”

 

That one line had Arthur frozen. His fingers stopped caressing the skin and Arthur furrowed his eyebrows. “Can’t—”

 

“I can’t,” Merlin whispered as he closed his eyes once more and looked away. He couldn’t look at Arthur. If he did, he would give up all over again and he couldn’t—he couldn’t go through this again. He couldn’t be treated like this and then ignored the next. No, Merlin was done. “I can’t do this anymore.”

 

He opened his eyes and looked at Arthur. There, he saw something flashing in Arthur’s eyes. “What?” Arthur asked as he sat up. Merlin followed him as he took in a deep breath. He rubbed his face before he looked away.

 

“I can’t,” Merlin repeated. “I—I can’t keep on doing this with you, Arthur. I can’t—I don’t want to do this anymore.”

 

Arthur remained quiet before he ran his fingers through his hair frustrated. “Why—I thought,” he said but the stunned silence spoke volumes. “I thought we were fine.”

 

“Fine?” Merlin asked, feeling something dark pooling at the pit of his stomach. “Fine? No, Arthur, we were never fine!” He pushed aside the bedsheet and got out of bed, already searching for his clothes. Arthur looked at him before he got out of the bed as well, already looking for his boxers. “We weren’t—we were never…”

 

Merlin stopped moving, half-dressed as he took in a shaky breath. He felt the tears once again gathering at the edge of his eyes. “Merlin,” Arthur began as he walked up to the brunet. “Merlin, what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing,” Merlin said as he looked at Arthur in the eyes. “And that’s what’s wrong, Arthur. I—I can’t keep on doing this only for it to mean nothing at the end!”

 

“What do you mean nothing?” Arthur asked, this time he looked irritated. His confusion melted away to the background and irritation filled in his eyes. “Who said this meant nothing?”

 

“Are you serious?” Merlin asked, his stare narrowed sharp. “Are you fucking kidding me, Arthur? Don’t act like that!”

 

“Act like what?” Arthur asked, his voice rising. “I don’t understand what’s going on, Merlin. So instead of acting like an emotional girl, talk to me!”

 

“The problem is,” Merlin bit out bitterly. “Is that you don’t know what this does to me. Why—why did we have to do this? It’s not—we shouldn’t have done this. You shouldn’t have touched me. I shouldn’t have let you!”

 

Arthur immediately grabbed his shoulders and shook him a bit, his lips thinned and made into a frown. “What the fuck is your problem?”

 

“You are,” Merlin said finally. “I can’t, Arthur, for you to touch me like this, to make me feel important and then—then you leave. You leave, you push me aside like I’m—I can’t. I—I can’t.”

 

The grip around his shoulders lessened. Silence rung through between them before Arthur’s eyes widened. “Merlin,” he started. “Are you in love with me?”

 

Merlin chuckled dryly, rubbing his face before slapping Arthur’s hand from him. “Yeah,” he said, deciding that it was better this way. “I am. I—I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you, Arthur. So, I can’t do this. I can’t have you touching me like this, raising my hopes up only for me to find out that I’m used again.”

 

Arthur frowned deeper. “Don’t,” he started. “Don’t make it sound as if I pushed this on you! You agreed, you agreed, Merlin. This was consensual.”

 

“And it still is!” Merlin agreed. “But after this point, it won’t anymore. You don’t love me, Arthur. Not like how I do. So, please, let me go.”

 

Arthur remained quiet. Merlin didn’t wait for him to respond as he gathered his shirt and walked past him. He felt like someone had broken his heart into two pieces. As he walked out of the door, he realised he left the second piece back in there. But he didn’t turn around to get it back, he just continued walking away.

 

Something in him sunk to the ground.

 

But it was for the best.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basic CSS Coding is provided by museaway


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine. 
> 
> A/N: Heyheyheyyy--well, uhm, sorry for the very late update, guys. I was just busy with tests and college work and etc. But well, here's the second chapter~ I don't know if I did well or not but hopefully it made sense somehow, ehehe. Otherwise, thank you for the reads, kudos, bookmarks, subscriptions and comments. :3 Means a lot to me! Now, enjoy~!

  


 

He felt even more terrible now to be honest.

 

But he knew that this was the only way out of this heartache. Merlin sighed as he continued on working, trying to ignore the nagging noise at the back of his head about his decision. It felt wrong all of a sudden. It felt as if he had let something important slip away. But that wasn’t it, was it? The truth was he had already begun missing Arthur.

 

He rubbed his face before he looked away from his working desk. Arthur had meant a lot to him, so he wondered how in the world he was about to let him go just like this. It was going to be hard and it was going to tear him apart even more now, Merlin just knew it.

 

The brunet shook his head as he decided that he needed caffeine. He could still feel the hands all over him from yesterday. It was electrifying and it always shook him to the core. Even remembering it now brought some strings of love blooming through his chest.

 

But it was useless.

 

Why was he torturing himself like this?

 

Walking out of his office and down the hallways, he met with the other engineers who didn’t even bother giving him a smile. He didn’t return one either if they gave him one. He wasn’t in the mood to act his usual goofy self. It felt like he was cheating himself if he smiled and in some way, he was.

 

He ran his fingers through his hair as he walked to the cafeteria. Grabbing the new batch of coffee, he sipped it carefully and made way back to his office. Just as he passed by the other agents, he spotted Arthur walking into the headquarters. He was in his usual tailored suit and a serious expression painted his face.

 

Merlin watched him silently as he walked to the other side, heading to the mission consoles. It seemed like he was about to go on another mission. Merlin guessed that would be a good sign. He didn’t want to see him for a few days and this distance would do them good.

 

Maybe, or maybe—it was a good time for Merlin to focus his attention on something else.

 

He walked away with his heart quivering in his chest.

 

 

***

 

Just like how Merlin suspected, Arthur had gone on another mission, a longer one if he heard it correct from the whispers of his co-workers. He felt his heart wilting at the edges when he realised that there were some parts of him that hoped for Arthur to appear, to come back to him and ask Merlin to be with him instead of letting him go.

 

But that part of him was once again burnt down to the ground when no such thing happened.

 

It was a futile hope. It was a useless dream.

 

What was Merlin thinking?

 

Obviously not matured thinking enough if he was still wishing for Arthur to appear in front of him, asking him back into his arms. It wasn’t going to happen, Merlin kept on telling himself. A few days passed on just like that without any more news on this issue. Merlin busied himself with his work, sometimes he didn’t even sleep.

 

He just wanted to drown himself in his work and make sure he could forget about everything else. He didn’t want to remember about anything anymore. Just for a second, just for a second, he wanted to be himself again before he met Arthur. Funny how he at once worried he would never be able to live without Arthur.

 

He always got attached so easily, didn’t he?

 

Just as he was about to get to his next project, someone had walked up to him. “Hey,” a voice spoke, deep enough that Merlin had jolted out from his work. He glanced up and met the brown-hazel like eyes. He stopped in his tracks for a few seconds before he straightened himself and nodded at the man.

 

He was wearing his tailored suit—usually a code that he was a field agent.

 

“Yes?” Merlin asked and the man gave out a grin, almost immediately bright. Merlin blinked at the suddenness of that grin before he gave out a nervous smile back. “What seems to be the problem?”

 

“Yeah, this,” the man said as he placed his gun on Merlin’s table. Merlin looked at it before he glanced up to the man and raised his eyebrows. Why was this agent personally giving his gun to Merlin out of all people? There were many other people this man can give his gun to.

 

“Uhm,” Merlin started but the man simply chuckled. His eyes gleamed of something and Merlin had to make sure he was clothed properly. The way this man looked at him sent some weird sensations down his spine that felt oddly familiar. It felt—slightly unpleasant.

 

“Can you fix it?”

 

“Yeah,” Merlin said, clearing his throat. “But you can practically get it fixed with other more experienced workers here.”

 

“I know,” the man said. Then the silence that accompanied them suddenly turned tenser. Merlin shuffled on his feet as he kept his eyes glued on the table. “But,” the man started, catching Merlin off guard at how deep his voice sounded at the moment. “I heard about you and I wanted to see you in person. You’re as cute as they said you are.”

 

Merlin felt his cheeks reddening as he stuttered out words in shock. “What?” he asked as he immediately looked at the man in the eyes. The man seemed to enjoy the redness as he chuckled and grinned widely.

 

“I’m Gwaine,” he said as he stretched out his hand. Merlin eyed him warily. Gwaine noticed the hesitance before he said, “What? Too strong?”

 

“I’m sorry, but you can take your gun an—”

 

“No, come on, don’t be like that, I was just joking,” Gwaine said as his eyes twinkled mischievously. Merlin didn’t know whether he was supposed to take this man seriously or not. He licked his lips as he looked down to the gun. He grabbed it before inspecting the weapon. He finally spotted the problem and set way to fix it. “Well, except the part where you’re cute—because you are and that’s no lie.”

 

Merlin immediately froze before he glanced at Gwaine. He bit his inner cheek before sighing internally. What was wrong with this agent? “Look, Gwaine—”

 

“Is that fixed?” he asked as he took the gun from Merlin’s grasp. Merlin nodded before the agent grinned wide.

 

“Thanks,” he said. “Merlin, you’re a miracle worker.”

 

He really wasn’t.

 

“Gwaine, I’m—I don’t,” Merlin started but the soft smile on Gwaine’s face stopped him. He froze and suddenly, he felt like he was being cherished. He didn’t know how to respond to that so he took a step back. He felt like his breath was gone and he had to learn how to breathe all over again.

 

Gwaine chuckled before he winked and started to step away. “I’ll see you around, Merlin.” With that, he turned around and walked away, leaving a half-confused Merlin. Wait—how did he know his name? The feeling didn’t settle well inside of him. He knew when he saw flirtatious. That was flirtatious.

 

And yet.

 

He looked away and rubbed the back of his neck.

 

***

 

The whole day, Merlin tried to work his way out from this heartache and confusion. He drowned himself with fixing the weapons and tested them out one by one before he decided to pick them apart and reassemble them as many times as he could.

 

Practically, he was having a hard time dealing with his emotions.

 

It was around early evening when Gwen walked up to him. She frowned when she saw Merlin haggard and completely disarrayed. She stood in front of him and crossed her arms against her chest. “Did you even eat anything?”

 

Merlin jolted out from his focus surprised. He looked at Gwen before he straightened himself. Merlin licked his lips as he took out his goggles. The technician knew when he was in trouble and from the way Gwen was frowning at him, he was in a whole lot of trouble. “Gwen,” he started.

 

“Merlin,” she said before she sighed and dropped her hands to her sides. “It’s alright to work hard. But you need to eat and rest.”

 

The brunet immediately looked away. He knew Gwen meant well but he couldn’t afford to relax, especially not now. He wanted to keep his thoughts solely focused on work. It helped him to calm himself down and it helped to organise his already messy thoughts. His heart dully ached at the sudden vision of Arthur in his mind.

 

He wouldn’t like Merlin working himself this hard either.

 

Immediately, Merlin killed any thoughts about the blond as soon as they entered his mind.

 

No, he didn’t need the distraction now. Hadn’t he had enough heartache to last the rest of his life?

 

He placed the goggles on his desk with a gentle thud. “I’m not hungry,” was the response as he glanced at Gwen and tried to give her his sheepish smile. Her frown deepened and he knew she caught on to his distress. She took another step forward before she placed her palms on his desk and leaned in.

 

“Merlin,” Gwen said as she stared into his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

 

The brunet cursed his ability to show his real emotions through his eyes and blinked a few times to fake nonchalance. “Nothing,” Merlin lied smoothly. Gwen searched those orbs as if she was picking him apart one by one. The technician didn’t like that feeling where he was being examined under a microscope. He didn’t want his life to be easily read by another. “Gwen.”

 

His best friend leaned away, already got the message that Merlin didn’t want to be deduced. She pulled her lips further down than Merlin thought was possible before she sighed and straightened herself. “Fine,” she huffed out though Merlin could see the worry in her eyes.

 

“I’m fine, Gwen,” Merlin assured her a second later. “I just want to work.”

 

She didn’t buy his bullshit.

 

“Well, that doesn’t mean you don’t have to eat or sleep,” she retorted as her eyes narrowed. Merlin felt shame wash in as he cleared his throat and nodded. He hoped that that would be the end of this conversation and he would be left alone to his work. Gwen sensed the apprehension in the air before she took a few steps back. “Fine, fine, I get it. I’m being intrusive. Your life, your problem, I so do get it, Merlin.”

 

“Gwen, I didn’t mean it that way,” Merlin said as he licked his lips. “I’m really fine. Honest.”

 

“You’re not,” she said but her voice softened at the end. “But I guess you’ll tell me when you’re ready.”

 

Merlin almost sighed in relief. He was always glad that he had an understanding friend like her. He nodded and she gave him a gentle smile. “I’ll tell you when I can, okay?” he said and she bit her bottom lip.

 

“Fine.” She took one more look at him before she decided to leave. “Right, eat something at least, okay?”

 

Merlin smiled at her as he said, “Alright. I’ll see you soon, Gwen.”

 

His best friend seemed reluctant to turn around and leave but after a second, she did exactly that. The technician watched her leave before he sighed out loud and rubbed his face. He was being read so easily and to be honest, it scared him a little at how easy it was for others to deduce what he was feeling. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.

 

Sudden image of Arthur’s face crawled into his mind and he had to snap open his eyes startled. Damn it, Merlin muttered frustrated in his mind. He ran his fingers through his hair, not before tugging the ends to demonstrate at how tired he was with this.

 

He glanced to the cup of coffee he had bought this morning. It was still half-full. Merlin grabbed it and sipped the coffee, grimacing at the coldness. But he continued drinking it as if he couldn’t stop.

 

He didn’t want to stop.

 

He just wanted to forget.

 

***

 

It had been two days before Merlin saw Gwaine again.

 

The brunet was walking down the hallway, his focus solely on the piece of paper in his hands and the pen between his teeth. He furrowed his eyebrow at the words splattered across the paper. He grabbed the pen that was lodged between his teeth and tried to add some notes to the side of the paper.

 

As he was about to take another step, he didn’t realise that someone else had walked up to him. He bumped face first against the person and fell down with a harsh thud. His pen scattered one side and his paper tossed to the other side.

 

The brunet spluttered out an apology but was silenced when the person squatted down and stretched out his hand. Merlin looked at the hand before he glanced up to the face. He froze a second when he realised who it was. “Hey,” Gwaine said with a grin. “Need help?”

 

Merlin felt his cheeks reddened at the close proximity and immediately stood up, ignoring the outstretched hand. He bent down and picked up his paper and pen. Gwaine stood up as well and tugged on his suit so he would look more presentable. His grin however didn’t falter at Merlin’s display of uneasiness.

 

He had heard about this agent after the first time they met.

 

Gwaine was the new recruit for MI5 agents, had been training under them for a few years before he was enlisted as a field agent, and already he was climbing up the ladder on becoming one of the best agents in this agency. Some said that he was about to surpass Arthur soon. Merlin didn’t really know how to feel about it but he had to admit, he was impressed at how much of a record Gwaine had begun to build for himself after only being recruited.

 

 “No,” Merlin said as he looked away from Gwaine. He heard the man chuckle at him before he took a step back.

 

“Feisty,” Gwaine commented playfully. Merlin looked at Gwaine before he narrowed his eyes. He knew Gwaine was flirtatious, it was obvious after he met him the first time. But that didn’t mean Merlin liked it. He didn’t like being adored or flirted with for just the sake of it. He had been down that road before, he didn’t want to do it again unless he was really sure that he could be happy.

 

Gwaine noticed the irritated look on Merlin’s face and rubbed the back of his neck. “What? Too much?”

 

“Gwaine,” Merlin started. “I have work to do. So, if you’ll excuse me—”

 

“Merlin,” Gwaine said and stood in front of the brunet, blocking his path. The technician sighed exasperatedly but he nodded at Gwaine anyways.

 

“What?”

 

“Look, mate,” Gwaine said and Merlin had to bite his tongue from lashing out harshly. His feelings were still jumbled up and his heart hadn’t even begun to heal. He was in no mood to deal with someone like Gwaine. To be honest, Merlin didn’t think he could end up liking any men the same way he ended up loving Arthur.

 

Arthur was the only exception.

 

And despite it all, it was tearing him inside at the thought that Arthur could possibly be the only one in his life. “If I’m making you uncomfortable, I’m sorry.”

 

Merlin immediately looked at Gwaine. He furrowed his eyebrows at the sudden apology. Gwaine simply gave him a smile when he noticed Merlin’s confusion. “Gwaine?”

 

“I—am not good with subtlety,” Gwaine said after a while before his eyes met Merlin’s. The brunet had to reel himself from looking shocked, too shocked. “So, I’m just going to say it.”

 

“Uhm, okay,” Merlin said slowly though he didn’t know what was happening at the moment. Gwaine suddenly looked different, Merlin guessed. The usual cockiness, the proud ego that was emitting from him like a light, dimmed. It was as if the brunet was looking at another side of the agent.

 

What was going on?

 

“Merlin,” Gwaine said seriously. “I—I’m interested in you.”

 

The silence that flowed into the scene was tense. Merlin took a few seconds to let the sentence drown in his mind. It left a huge mark in his heart once the implication settled in.

 

“W—what?” Merlin asked as he took a step back. His heart started to thump louder in his heart and his face shed redness. Something about this situation made him feel uncomfortable. It sounded too easy. This was too easy, easy for what—Merlin didn’t know.

 

“Merlin,” Gwaine continued. “I like you.”

 

“But—,” Merlin stopped for a second. “You only met me, Gwaine. What do you mean you like me? This is—too sudden!”

 

To be honest, his heart, his mind, his own self wasn’t ready for this. He didn’t expect someone else, someone like Gwaine to take interest in him. He didn’t know what to do. The agent simply gave him a smile, as if he could solve it. Merlin raised his eyebrows.

 

“Then we will get to know each other,” Gwaine said. “Merlin, I’m genuinely interested in you.”

 

“But I don’t,” Merlin said quickly, panic worked in his mind. He had placed high hopes on Arthur before and look at where that brought him to. He didn’t think it was worth the risk for another time. But Gwaine didn’t seem fazed.

 

He simply shook his head. “Just give me a chance, Merlin,” he said.

 

“I—” Merlin started but he didn’t know how to finish. Lamely at the end, he said, “How did you even know my name?”

 

Gwaine chuckled at the nervousness before he took a step forward. Merlin felt himself going rigid when Gwaine touched the corner of his collar before his finger dropped to a nametag hanging around his neck. “That’s how.”

 

The brunet’s breath hitched as he looked at Gwaine in the eyes. The taller man dropped his hand to his sides and smiled wide. His eyes twinkled in amusement.

 

Merlin licked his lips and his throat went dry. He wanted to run away from there, he wanted to push Gwaine off and tell him that he should forget of this foolishness because Merlin wasn’t going to do it.

 

But a part of him had been alone for so long and it yearned for some company. Arthur filled that spot up quickly and it left a huge mark in him when the blond didn’t want the same thing.

 

And here in front of him, someone else was willing to fill that spot without any doubt, without any misleading intention. Merlin found himself wanting that and it scared him.

 

He looked away from Gwaine before he shook his head. “No, I’m sorry, I can’t.”

 

Before Gwaine could say anything more, Merlin had walked away from there. He had gotten his heart broken once, it was best if he kept himself away from getting hurt twice.

 

***

 

Merlin soon learned that Gwaine had no intention on backing down. The brunet later found himself face to face with Gwaine once more when he was packing his things up and was about to leave his working space to his quiet room at home.

 

“Merlin,” he called out as he walked into the workshop. The technician looked at the agent before he took a deep breath and looked away.

 

“Gwaine, what do you want?” he asked as he continued to pack his things away. The agent however lingered silently in the workshop before he took a few steps forward.

 

“Merlin,” he started. “Give me a chance.”

 

The brunet groaned under his breath before he looked back at Gwaine. “Gwaine,” he said to the agent. “I can’t. I’m sorry—but—I—I just can’t.”

 

Gwaine didn’t seem to be faltered. Instead, his shoulders squared and his eyes softened as if he knew what Merlin was going through. That mere thought alone shook the brunet from within as he took a step back. He felt uncomfortable all of a sudden. He didn’t want to be read like an open book. He wanted for once, keep this loneliness and problems to himself. He didn’t want anyone to pry him open and look at him like he needed to be helped.

 

He could help himself.

 

He was an adult.

 

But somewhere in his mind, he knew his subconscious disagreed with him. The truth was, he was battered and bruised everywhere, not on flesh, but on heart. It was the one place that no one could ever reach and aid, not even himself. “Let me try, just once, Merlin,” he said softly. “I don’t want to push you, not against your will but—if you would give this one night a chance, I’ll—I’ll make you see what you could mean to me. What I could mean to you.”

 

It was deep, heartfelt words pouring out of his mouth like honey. “Why?” Merlin asked because in retrospect, this was the question hanging in air waiting to be answered. Gwaine sighed slowly before he looked at the blue eyes.

 

“I’ll tell you why,” he said. “If you could spend one night with me. Just dinner, nothing else.”

 

Merlin read his eyes, his face, his body gesture and suddenly he realised—this man here was honestly asking him out. It wasn’t flirtatious neither was it laced with innuendoes. It was a straightforward fact that he was interested in Merlin and the sole reason as to why, muddled the brunet’s mind.

 

He wasn’t fascinating. He wasn’t attractive.

 

The most he could be was a body when the nights were lonely and the day was too hard to get through. That was all he ever was to Arthur—what made him so sure that Gwaine, Arthur’s close rival for the number one agent position, would be any different?

 

He didn’t.

 

And yet, he found the offer tempting for his heart had been suddenly empty for so long. The mere thought that someone wanted him desperately, not just for the bed or for the warmth, but for whom he was, was tempting to him. He wanted that—just not from Gwaine. His heart yearned for the blond-haired agent but the reality was what it seemed.

 

He wouldn’t get what he wanted.

 

But that didn’t mean he was ready to jump into the closest boat that would take him there.

 

No, he didn’t want to.

 

He hesitated, his heart constricted painfully and he wanted to shake his head. But Gwaine took another step forward and cooed at him gently. “If it’ll make you feel safe, we could do it for lunch. Not dinner. Just a couple of hours, Merlin, that’s all I’m asking.”

 

Gwaine looked sincere and he was going through a lot of trouble just for the brunet. The technician was even more confused. He wasn’t even special to begin with, so why was Gwaine, who could have anyone he wanted, wanted him?

 

He stared at the agent for some time as he wondered, was he ready to try?

 

No, he wasn’t. He wasn’t, Goddamnit and yet, he would do anything to remove this loneliness.

 

“Fine,” Merlin said finally though he was still reluctant. “Fine, lunch, one time, tomorrow. That’s all, Gwaine. I—I can’t—”

 

Gwaine took whatever he could get and nodded. “Okay, okay, no worries,” he said before he relaxed and smiled, the smile carelessly increasing his handsomeness. Merlin felt his heart thumping louder at the sheer elegance of this man and felt blood colouring his cheeks.

 

“Tomorrow, lunch,” he said with a grin and Merlin felt something like surprise taking over him. Someone was this happy because he had accepted their offer for lunch. It was a foreign feeling and the warmth being accompanied right after the shock was—comforting.

 

Merlin couldn’t help but to smile and for a minute, he felt as if maybe, he could move on after all.

 

Gwaine lingered there for a moment before he looked at the exit and back at Merlin. “I’ll see you then.”

 

Merlin watched him leave for a minute and his heart gave out a pained throb. Arthur’s face suddenly assaulted his mind and he took in a shuddering breath.

 

***

 

The lunch date came on faster than Merlin wanted. The truth was, he was beginning to doubt his sanity when he agreed to Gwaine’s invitation for lunch. He knew that he would be cruel if he decided to not show up for the lunch date, but today, when he woke up, he realised with dread that he was about to embark on another journey to the same place that Arthur had left him in pieces.

 

Didn’t he say he would not try this anymore unless he was sure he wouldn’t get hurt?

 

So, why was he about to do it again? With Gwaine nevertheless, someone that deemed to be exactly like Arthur, cocky, arrogant and a complete prat when it came down to it. Then, Merlin realised why. It was because he had enough of lonely nights and yearning for something that he couldn’t have.

 

But was he really about to settle just for whatever that came by? Was he about to settle for Gwaine?

 

No, he wasn’t. He would go on this date but it would mean nothing because Merlin wasn’t ready to move on. He wasn’t ready to stand back and let another man steal the last fraction of his heart only to be dumped at the streets after he was used.

 

He couldn’t go through the same pain over and over. This was why he found himself fidgeting when noon arrived. He sipped his already cold coffee and lingered at his work station. He should leave, he knew that and yet he made no move to do so. Was it possible to feign forgetfulness just for this case?

 

His hope shattered when Gwaine walked into the workshop, wearing his usual tailored suit and his hair slicked neat with gel. Merlin had to look at him for a few seconds before he realised that the man looked different today. He looked—presentable. Polished, if Merlin was looking for a better word to describe him. The brown eyes then settled on him from across the room and their eyes met. At the exact moment, his heart thumped loudly against his chest and his cheeks warmed.

 

He felt squeamish and it wasn’t—it wasn’t unpleasant. He shook those thoughts immediately as he looked back down to his desk, trying to make himself look busy. Maybe Gwaine came by to cancel on their apparent date.

 

However, when Gwaine arrived at his desk, he simply chuckled. “Merlin, didn’t think you’d be trying to avoid me like this,” he said, his voice was light and airy. Merlin had to stop fiddling around with his non-existent work and clutched the screwdriver tight. A few seconds of silence filled in between them before the brunet placed the things on the desk and looked at Gwaine.

 

Up close, Merlin had to take a step back at the brightness Gwaine was emitting. It was as if someone had sprayed ten tons of sunrays on him. His heart skipped a beat and his cheeks reddened once more though it meant nothing else to Merlin besides that. Gwaine noticed the change and light spark of amusement was seen covering his eyes.

 

“Come on, lunch,” he said as he took a step back just so to let the technician breathe. Merlin took a few seconds to compose himself before he looked away and rubbed the back of his neck. When he didn’t move, Gwaine simply sighed. “Or do you want a rain check?”

 

Merlin glanced at him and immediately guilt washed into his mind when he saw how disappointed the agent looked. He never liked making people feel bad of themselves, disappointed or angry. Gwaine looked genuinely happy about it and here he was, revoking his words. He had given false hope and now he was cruelly taking it away.

 

So, in this case, how was he any better than Arthur?

 

He shuddered at the thought before he licked his lips. “No, let’s go,” he said as he tried to give him a smile. It was mostly nervousness and unsureness that ended up portrayed on his face but Gwaine didn’t seem to mind. In fact, his face brightened and his eyes softened and Merlin thought, he thought he saw a gentle wave of affection in those orbs.

 

No, it couldn’t be possible, right?

 

“Alright,” he said slowly before he turned around and started to walk away. Merlin got the cue and immediately walked after him. He ran his fingers through his hair as he followed the agent out. Somewhere, deep in his heart, something like resignation worked in him. Arthur’s face was brewing at the back of his mind and he felt like he was betraying the blond by going with Gwaine.

 

But Merlin had to remind himself over and over that no, they had nothing between them to begin with, so why was he so worried?

 

“You alright?” Gwaine asked as he let Merlin to catch up to him. The brunet glanced at the taller man before he gave out a shrug. The agent momentarily frowned before he sighed and nodded. “I know you don’t like me that way. I know this is all weird for you. Merlin, in fact, you could just say no right now and I’ll be on my way.”

 

Merlin flinched at how serious this man was. He looked at Gwaine before he looked away. “I—” he started. “I can’t promise you anything, Gwaine,” he said slowly as he avoided looking at the agent. “I might not even want this to happen again.”

 

After a beat, Gwaine said, “I know.”

 

The brunet immediately looked at him and the taller man looked back at him with a soft smile. Confusion must’ve written on his face because the next thing he knew, Gwaine was chuckling slightly under his breath though it sounded hoarse than relaxed. “I know, Merlin. I know where you stand.”

 

Merlin stopped walking as he looked at the man in front of him. Gwaine stopped as well and his shoulders squared. He sighed loudly once more before he turned around and looked at the technician. Merlin scanned his face before he narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”

 

His heart thumped nervously and his mind numbed at the prospect at being found out. But the silent flash in those brown orbs confirmed the only dreadful suspicion that he never wanted to be true. “I know about Arthur, Merlin. I know about you and him.”

 

The hallway was thankfully empty but that didn’t mean the brunet was happy talking about this here. So, he frowned deeper and glanced to his left. He found the meeting room a few feet from them empty, so he opened the door and walked in. Gwaine followed him a split second later before the taller man closed the door.

 

Turning around to glare at Gwaine, Merlin snapped, “What the hell are you talking about, Gwaine?”

 

He was panicking, he knew that. He was also nervous because Damnit, he didn’t want to be like this. Gwaine ran his fingers through his slicked hair before he leaned against the door and shoved his hands into his pants pockets. “I—Arthur had always been my rival, Merlin. I watched him close enough before you came along. I know what happened. I’ve—I sound like a bloody stalker but Merlin, I could practically sense it between you two whenever you both were in the same room.”

 

“That’s stupid,” Merlin bit out defensively. “You’re implying there was something between us.” Oh, how his heart ached because the truth was just that. There had been nothing between them but just lust and maybe love on Merlin’s part. Gwaine looked at him for a moment before he shook his head.

 

“I am,” he said softly. “And I know you love him, Merlin. I do.”

 

“You don’t,” Merlin immediately said. “You don’t, okay? You have no idea what you’re talking about. If this is your way to a first date, if you think this is how you’re going to get me into your bed, then you got this all wrong. I’m not that easy. Shove it for someone who cares.”

 

Just as Merlin tried to head for the door, Gwaine straightened himself and caught Merlin’s arm. “Merlin,” he started as his eyes flashed apologetically. “I didn’t mean—”

 

“You didn’t?” he snarled and snatched his arm away from the grasp. “You said you observed us, Gwaine. So, what? This is just some petty rival to see who gets to shag this lanky idiot first? Well, guess what, congratulations, Arthur fucking won.”

 

The last bit slipped out without intention and Merlin froze. His eyes widened at what he had just said and he felt his heart quivering at the words. Gwaine didn’t seem faze though his jaw was set in a tense line and his eyes softened and flashed with something akin to protectiveness. “He shagged you and then left you?”

 

“Fuck you, Gwaine,” Merlin said frustrated as he took a step back and heaved in a deep breath. “Just, fuck you.”

 

Silence, tense silence, washed in before Gwaine frowned. “Merlin, I didn’t mean—I’m sorry.”

 

The apology took him off guard as he looked at Gwaine. “Why? Why are you even sorry? You don’t—I get it. It’s fun to make fun of me, to use me, I get it. What I don’t get is why couldn’t you both find someone else to do it?”

 

“I’m not,” Gwaine said as he took a step forward, his voice firm catching Merlin’s attention. “You listen to me, Merlin when I say; I’m not here for just a shag, though that would be nice.” That earned a disapproval look from the brunet. “I’m here because you made me who I am at this moment.”

 

The reality snapped in half and Merlin convinced himself that he was in a twilight zone. He laughed humourlessly and his eyes hardened with confusion and frustration. “Don’t fuck with me, Gwaine. I didn’t even know you until now. Even now to say. How could I have helped you? I can’t even help myself.”

 

Gwaine immediately took a few steps forward and before Merlin could realise what was happening, Gwaine had grabbed his shoulders tight and forced the brunet to look at him. The technician stiffened as his eyes widened at the close proximity between the both of them. “Don’t say that, ever,” he demanded. “I watched you, Merlin. Before I am me, I was this idiot throwing away my skills for alcohol and bodies next to me at night. I didn’t even want to be here. Why should I do this anyway? It didn’t make sense, why should I bloody do this when I had no one else to go home to? But I saw you, Merlin. I saw you one day, you know. You were walking down the street to get to a café nearby when you saw a kid, lost from his parents.

 

“I saw you around sometimes, but I never really paid attention to you because you seemed to be like the background of a white canvas, unnoticeable,” he said slowly and Merlin flinched at the words.

 

“But you stayed with the boy, made him feel safe to be with you and you fucking stayed until it was late in the evening. You could’ve given him to the police station and got this over with, but you stayed at where the boy was found because his parents might come looking for him here first. And when they did, you looked so relieved—and happy, you looked real, Merlin. And it was something I never thought anyone could have in this lifetime.”

 

“I’m not,” Merlin started but Gwaine simply tightened his grip.

 

“I didn’t like you immediately, thought you were just an idiotic bloke who had nothing good on his time but I saw you work hard for what you wanted and then, I met Gwen. She’s my technician and she keeps on babbling about this guy named Merlin, the absolute genius who could make her life or anyone’s life colourlful because you were so damn bright. I was interested in you after that, because I needed to know who you were and then I realised, it was you.”

 

“Merlin, it was  _you_ ,” Gwaine said slowly.

 

Merlin was having hard time breathing as the words settled in his mind. He watched as the emotions flooded in Gwaine’s eyes and they were pure, real, and they weren’t deterred with lies. It made Merlin realise that it’d been quite some time since he had last seen such open pure emotion like that.

 

“Were you—disappointed?” Merlin asked quietly as Gwaine blinked at him. “Were you disappointed to know that this guy, who interests you, turned out to be just me?”

 

“No,” Gwaine immediately answered.

 

“How can you be so sure?”

 

“The thing is,” Gwaine said after a moment. “I’m not. And that’s why I want to know you, Merlin. If you’d let me. I can—I won’t hurt you.”

 

Merlin thinned his lips and he looked away. His heart was squeezing tight in his chest and his mind was steeling every strand of never he had so that he could brace himself for what was happening. He knew that he could never be sure of anything anymore after Arthur. His heart still beat for him. That blonde-haired bastard decided to just use him and left him, though he should be angry at himself too because he had let this happen.

 

He took in a shuddering breath before he looked at Gwaine once more. “I can’t promise you anything,” he said slowly. “I don’t want—I’m not, I just can’t be in a relationship right now and I—”

 

“I’ll take whatever you can give me,” Gwaine said. “And if you just want to stay as friends first, I can wait. I won’t push you. And that’s something especially when it comes from me. My reputation isn’t a lie.”

 

Merlin knew about his reputation, of course he did. Gwaine slept around, drank a lot, he was never considerate with that goofy attitude to match his lack of care for everything and everyone but right now, he was in front of the technician, promising him that he would be the best thing that ever happened to the brunet if he let him.

 

But Merlin had his doubts, obviously he did because what if his heart was being played again?

 

However, the doubt mingled with something else akin to frustration because, if he didn’t try this—if he didn’t allow himself to move on, how was he to ever move past Arthur? He needed to accept the fact that the blonde-haired man was never going to love him like how Merlin did.

 

Gwen would probably say the same thing as well if she found out about this.

 

“Merlin,” Gwaine ushered him as he let his shoulders go and took a step back. “How about you think this over, yeah? We can have our lunch date then.”

 

Before Gwaine could leave, Merlin grabbed his wrist and stilled him. “Wait,” Merlin said as he licked his lips nervously. “I—I can’t promise you anything, I said it before, Gwaine and I just don’t know why, why you wanted to try with someone like me.” Gwaine frowned and he was about to open his mouth when the brunet shook his head and continued, “And I—I probably will never see you as anything more, would you still want this?”

 

Gwaine remained silent before he huffed out a careless laugh. “Merlin, I won’t demand anything from you. We’ll take it slow, I promise. We’ll get to know each other first, go out a few times, then maybe we can decided, you can decide—if you can’t see me as anything more, alright?”

 

“Do you see me as anything more?”

 

Gwaine hesitated and Merlin had to steel his heart once more before he looked away and nodded. “Yeah, yeah I do and it sounds ridiculous because I never spoke to you before, but yes, Merlin, I do. And if you give me a chance, I’ll make you see me as someone more than just this bloke who came out of nowhere and decided to ask you out.”

 

Merlin’s cheeks flushed but something fluttered in his heart at the declaration. He squeezed Gwaine’s wrist for a moment before he closed his eyes. Arthur’s face immediately flashed in his mind and his heart gave out a sad throb. Gwaine knew about them and yet, he was willing to take him in and heal him.

 

“Okay,” Merlin said as he opened his eyes and looked at Gwaine. “I—Okay.”

 

Gwaine’s eyes widened comically before he stood straighter. “Merlin, are you sure?”

 

“No,” Merlin said he laughed weakly. “I don’t even know why I’m agreeing to this. I just met you, but—I—don’t, I just want to feel like I can do this again.”

 

The agent took a few steps forward before he twisted his wrist out of Merlin’s grasp and interlaced their fingers. Merlin immediately looked at their fingers and felt something like warmth washing through him. It felt—different. He found himself comparing Arthur’s fingers and Gwaine’s and for a moment, he thought, it felt weird. But it wasn’t the bad kind of weird—just the mild thrums of good type of weird.

 

“We’ll take this slow,” he said and Merlin found himself actually wanting to believe those words. He looked at Gwaine and nodded. “We’ll take this however slow you want.”

 

“Let’s just start with—the lunch thing,” Merlin said with a feeble shrug. The brunet was slightly taken aback at the sudden wide grin on Gwaine’s face. It was bright and it was shining. It was everything that Merlin didn’t think he could do to someone. He felt his cheeks redden at the sight and for a while, he was mesmerised. Their interlinked fingers tightened as Gwaine nodded, his eyes were gleaming.

 

“Alright, alright,” he said with a chuckle and Merlin, he found himself smiling slightly. “Let’s—go.”

 

Merlin nodded as they moved out of the room. “Alright.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, hope you guys enjoyed it! If you liked this chapter, don't forget to leave kudos and comment to let me know what you guys thought. Until the next chapter~! -Krystal


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine!
> 
> A/N: Okay, so, uhm, first off, I apologise for the late update? I know, I said I would try and update fast but--I can't, I'm so sorry! But hey, at least I'm still continuing, right? Right??? -nudges- Anyways, I hope you guys will like this chapter~~ I'm glad that most of you liked the previous chapter, and it made me think that I'm not such a horrible writer after all. //shot// Thank you for those who have read, kudos, commented, bookmarked and even subscribed! Do let me know what you guys though then for this chappie~ Until next time! -Krystal
> 
> _We were going way too fast, chasing down the hourglass, running from the past – Wildfire (Demi Lovato)_

 

 

Gwaine kept his word. He didn’t push Merlin more than the brunet was comfortable with and the lunch date—was really just that, a lunch date. They merely talked and despite Gwaine batting off smooth lines every now and then, the technician found himself relaxing in his company.

 

They walked back to the tall building, ready to resume their lives. Merlin felt fine, for once in his life, he felt fine with someone. His heart didn’t ache neither did he think twice that what he was doing was either right or wrong. He was—fine. Gwaine smiled at him as they decided to part ways.

 

“Thank you, Merlin,” Gwaine said and Merlin had to refrain himself from shaking his head. Because he was supposed to thank Gwaine, for understanding him. He still didn’t trust this agent in front of him, but there was something about Gwaine that eased him. It wasn’t like—Arthur. With him, Merlin felt frantic, he felt desperate—he felt _needy_. But with Gwaine, it was like a soft wave of calmness.

 

He just wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or bad.

 

Gwaine lingered for a moment near him before he shook his head. With one more look, the agent walked away from him. Merlin waited, he didn’t know why, but he waited until Gwaine was no longer in his view before he released his breath.

 

Yeah, he felt calm. He felt like he was finally down from whatever high he had gone to.

 

He looked around him before he pushed those thoughts from his head. He still didn’t know how to feel about the agent. He didn’t know if he was ready to start feeling about anything. He wanted to drown in this pain he had been feeling for a while, just to make sure that he had learned his lesson.

 

He trusted Arthur with everything he had and he still trusted him when he let Arthur touch him. But as time went by, he felt the trust that he had given up so blindly started to crack and soon—it shattered into pieces. And what was worse, Arthur seemed to want to leave it like that. He didn’t want to mend it, he didn’t even want _try_.

 

He ran away, that _coward_ , his heart muttered darkly. His mind still reeled in the fact that there would never be anyone else to make him feel like this. Arthur had come and ruined everyone else for him. He chuckled bitterly to himself because this was just so like him.

 

Merlin let someone in too fast and at the end, he was the only one left picking up the pieces.

 

So, he didn’t know how he was going to trust Gwaine. He knew Gwaine wanted to take this slow, he wanted to show Merlin that he could be someone different than Arthur despite their similarities. But Merlin doubted, oh how he _doubted_ , that that would ever be the issue.

 

Time would only tell, wouldn’t it?

 

***

 

A few days passed without another word from Gwaine. Merlin didn’t take it to heart, in fact, he wasn’t hoping anything, whether he would even get to see the man again. His heart felt empty already anyways. But his thoughts about Gwaine, about the fact that someone like him would never look his way, didn’t last long when he walked to his working space one day and spotted a note. At first, he stopped from going closer to the table because his mind flashed back to those times when Arthur did that.

 

And his heart started to thump loudly against his chest when he stopped to think that maybe it was him. That had made everything else ten times scarier. He wasn’t ready to see Arthur again, not yet. He wouldn’t know what to say, he didn’t think he could even say anything else. So, he almost took the note without reading and was about to throw it away when he caught something unfamiliar about the note.

 

It was addressed to him.

 

Arthur never wrote notes that began with ‘To: Merlin’ before. It was usually just a short message, the room number, where to meet, what time to meet but this note had words—real words that made into sentences. The brunet felt slightly disappointed and he knew it was sick to be disappointed that it wasn’t from Arthur after all.

 

He felt conflicted inside. How could he be so indecisive? He wanted to push Arthur away, he wanted to forget about the blond-haired man, his laughter, his smiles, his dreams, whatever trust he had given away, he wanted to take it back including the last pieces of his heart but at the same time—he wanted to see him again. He wanted to hug him, he wanted to pour out his insecurities, he wanted to feel Arthur again.

 

Then, he stopped. This wouldn’t help anyone. This definitely wouldn’t help him. He read the note and he felt something in him actually lightening up when he read through each word. Every word was laced with affection, and he wasn’t sure how he could feel the warmth of those words but he did. He raised his eyebrows as he traced the words.

 

It was from Gwaine.

 

“Huh,” Merlin said to himself as he reread the note. It was short, it explained why he hadn’t been able to see Merlin, and it ended with a ‘Love, Gwaine’ at the end. It was just a short note that he was never used to getting before. He had heard Gwen going on and on about how she wished someone would write short notes of nothingness for her. Merlin never quite got why she loved that idea until he realised what it made him feel.

 

Gwaine had gone to a short mission, to help one of his friends due to some complications. He seemed to be remorseful, Merlin noted as he folded the note. And unlike the times with Arthur’s notes, he actually couldn’t find it in himself to throw it away. He placed it on the desk and frowned slightly to himself.

 

He rubbed the back of his neck before he sighed and pushed the thoughts to the back of his mind. Pushing the note to the pile of other cluster at the edge of his table, he went back working on his latest weapon.

 

It didn’t take long before he was disturbed. He felt a hand on his hair and Merlin immediately looked up, recoiling from the touch. He felt everything standing still when he realised who it was. His eyes bored into Merlin’s eyes for a minute before he grinned. “Did you get my note?”

 

Merlin blinked a few times before he looked to the note at the edge of his desk. His cheeks reddened before he cleared his throat and nodded. “Yeah,” Merlin said though he looked back down to the thing he was working on.

 

After a minute of silence, Merlin heard Gwaine clearing his own throat and for a second, the brunet was tempted to look at him. “Can we go out later? To eat? I haven’t…seen you for a few days.”

 

“Missed me already?” Merlin asked though he was just trying to joke. The atmosphere seemed to have gone tense from the silence. The technician sighed before he looked back at Gwaine and was almost taken aback at how serious the man looked.

 

“Yeah,” Gwaine said and his voice rung sincerity. Merlin’s ears buzzed at the confirmation and his mind slowly muddled up. Gwaine missed him? His breath hitched at his throat because how was that possible? They only went out once, they only talked a few times. They shouldn’t be able to miss each other.

 

“Gwaine,” Merlin started but Gwaine simply shook his head. His seriousness was gone in a flash and a smile worked on his lips.

 

“Another date, Merlin?” he asked and his eyes glimmered with hope. Merlin hesitated because sure, he went out once with the agent but to do it again? Gwaine noticed his hesitation before the smile dimmed slightly. “No, I suppose?”

 

“I,” Merlin said for a minute before he shrugged hopelessly. “I’m—I don’t know. I—I’m…”

 

“Merlin,” Gwaine said slowly. “I would tell you as many times as you want to hear. I won’t push you. We—could try or we could just be friends. I won’t ask more, I promise. So please, don’t be so scared.”

 

Merlin felt the words sticking to his heart like glue. “I know,” he said as he rubbed his face, slightly frustrated. “You think I don’t know that I can just push you away? I can. I want to, so badly, Gwaine. But I don’t know sometimes what I even want. I still—I can’t go through—something fictional again.”

 

“It won’t be fictional,” Gwaine said. His voice held firmness and all the confidence that he wouldn’t let him down again. He wouldn’t let Merlin drift away in a world where everything was just colourful at the start before turning bleak. “I will make it real.”

 

“Will you?” Merlin asked. Gwaine chuckled gently before he smiled wide.

 

“I’ll make it even more real than the reality you live in,” Gwaine said. “I won’t let it go dark, Merlin.”

 

Merlin was tempted to believe it. He was very much tempted to believe _him_ , especially with how bright Gwaine’s eyes were shining from the truth. But his heart tugged his mind away from accepting those words just yet. But his chest felt funny, it felt lighter and his shoulders felt—like they weren’t holding a huge weight for once.

 

Something in him sung gently and before he knew it, he felt slightly better. Hearing those words, despite how they sounded—despite how true they really were, Merlin realised he needed to hear that. At the same time, his stomach growled. He frowned at that because hadn’t he ate breakfast before he started to work?

 

“It’s almost noon,” Gwaine supplied helpfully as he grinned widely. Merlin’s eyebrows shot up his forehead before he sighed. “Merlin, come on, let’s get something to eat, yeah?”

 

After a minute, he finally decided that it would be fine. It would be fine. “Yeah, okay,” Merlin said finally before he gave out a smile, though it was wary. Gwaine eyed the brunet for a second before he nodded. With that, he gestured to the exit and began walking first.

 

Merlin hesitated on following him. He knew that if he had too much doubt, he could just stay behind but—he didn’t know it himself.

 

So, he just closed his mind down from thinking and let his body do the talking. He followed Gwaine.

 

***

 

It was different with Gwaine, Merlin mused. He was gentle, he didn’t talk much, always letting the brunet to lead, it was—relaxing. Just like before, Merlin felt like he could be himself for a minute under his gaze. His heart still yearned for Arthur, but his mind was becoming clearer and the pain was subsiding.

 

Somehow.

 

It had been a week since then. Gwaine had come by whenever he could to see Merlin and at first, the technician frowned at all the fuss the agent was going through to see him. But he slowly settled back and tried, for once, see where this was leading.

 

He knew he still wasn’t ready to stretch his hand out for someone else to hold. But his heart was beginning to be curious of this agent. When Merlin talked, he listened. He didn’t make fun of him, he didn’t call him a girl, he didn’t—he didn’t do anything to warrant anger from Merlin.

 

It was like he was the perfect human.

 

Perfection in everything he did.

 

And at the end of the day, Merlin had fun. He couldn’t lie the fact that he felt okay, that he felt nice, cherished.

 

Lying on his bed, he counted in his head at how many times he tried to let his fragile heart get close to someone. Enough times to know that he should be cautious, should be wary of everyone. And he was, with Gwaine this time.

 

But when the night stalled longer, when everything was quiet, when he had his eyes closed, he could feel it. He could feel the familiar gaze from his memory. He could still feel those hands on him despite how long it had been. His heart would act up again and whenever the brunet thought he had maybe begun to heal, it would ache again. His heart would cry once more.

 

He sighed shakily as he closed his eyes.

 

Immediately, _his_ laughter rung through his empty mind.

 

_His_ smile shone brightly to the darkest corners of his heart. The cracked pieces of his love shattered even more. The pain was choking him from within and he opened his eyes in a gasp, frustrated and angry at the same time on himself and on _him_.

 

He didn’t want to feel this way. And it wasn’t right either.

 

“ _Damn_ _you_ , Arthur,” Merlin whispered out loud to nobody. “Damn you.”

 

***

 

Gwen caught him off guard one day when he was eating his lunch. All she had to do was open a topic about Gwaine and Merlin froze like someone poured a bucket full of ice water on him. She stopped talking immediately before she raised her eyebrows. “I knew it,” she whispered.

 

“Gwen,” Merlin started but she simply shook her head.

 

“I knew it!” she said as she read him like an open book once more. “I heard the rumours, how Gwaine was seeing someone, how he had been seeing this technician for a while now, always eating lunch with him and at first I thought, who could that be? And then I saw you that day, Merlin! You didn’t even tell me you were dating him!”

 

Merlin visibly winced at the words. His heart started to panic slightly because—was this how people were seeing them as? Gwen noticed the hesitancy on his face before her bright eyes dimmed in confusion.

 

“You guys aren’t dating?” she asked.

 

“No,” Merlin mumbled as he picked on his sandwich. He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair and looked at the woman in front of him. “Actually, I’m not so sure.”

 

She seemed even more confuse but Merlin really didn’t blame her. After a second, she asked, “Then—why is he so close to you?”

 

Merlin didn’t know if he should be offended with her words or not. She noticed the look on his face before she quirked her lips up into a smile. “I didn’t mean it like that, Merlin. I mean, since when did you two get so close?”

 

The brunet knew he couldn’t avoid the question now. He was never good at lying to his best friend and every time he did, every time he had hid a secret from her, it hurt him from within. He sighed before he licked his lips. “He asked me out.”

 

Her eyes widened with the words. Silence washed in as Merlin saw how she struggled to accept the fact before she settled down, and something like relief seemed to have flooded in her eyes. “Good,” she said with a smile. Merlin raised his eyebrows in a manner when he heard her.

 

“What?”

 

“I said, good,” she repeated with a grin. “Merlin, that’s good news! So, why aren’t you dating him yet?”

 

“I—I’m,” Merlin started but he didn’t know how to continue that sentence without sounding like he had gotten his heart broken. But she stared at him for a while before her eyes widened a bit bigger than before. The brunet bit his bottom lip, knowing she read through him again.

 

There it was. Out in the open. He didn’t think he would be able to hide that secret for too long, especially when it came to his best friend. “Oh, Merlin,” she breathed out, something regretful played in her voice. She took hold one of his hands and squeezed his fingers tight. “You were with somebody before this, weren’t you?”

 

There was a sharp stab in his heart. He laughed bitterly as he decided that he couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t keep it in himself anymore. He needed to tell somebody, but most importantly, he needed to tell her. “I wish.”

 

Her grip on his fingers tightened. “What? What do you mean, you wish?”

 

“I mean, I wished I was with— _him_ ,” Merlin said as he looked at her warm eyes. “I wish that was it. I wish my heart got broken because we could no longer be together. I wish for many things, Gwen. I wish—I wish I didn’t have to feel this way.” His voice quietened at the end.

 

“Merlin,” she began. “Is he the reason why you haven’t been yourself lately? Is that why you were drowning yourself in work? To forget about him?”

 

He hesitated to confirm. He really did, but after a second, he nodded. She took in a deep breath. “Tell me what happened. Who was this person? Merlin, let me help you.”

 

“How?” Merlin asked as he looked at her properly. “How can you help me?”

 

“It helps,” she finally said. “It helps to know that someone is willing to be there for you, to listen to you. I can be that person, I have always been that person, Merlin! Why are you acting like you’re all alone?” Her voice cracked at the end, and her eyes watered from the same pain he knew that he was inflicting on her.

 

“Gwen, no, you know I didn’t mean it that way,” he said as he placed his free hand on hers. “I just didn’t think…I thought I could handle it, you know?”

 

“But you can’t, Merlin,” she concluded it for him as he nodded weakly. After a few seconds of silence, she finally said, “It’s Arthur, isn’t it?”

 

Merlin flinched at his name as he looked away. That was all the confirmation he needed to give her.

 

“I can’t believe this!” she exclaimed harshly under her breath, with anger. “He hurt you and then left you? Did he even come by to apologise?”

 

Merlin glanced at her before he shook his head. “Gwen, no, it isn’t his fault.”

 

It was his fault.

 

His heart knew that it was his fault as much as it was Merlin’s fault.

 

“Then whose fault is it?” she asked, her voice dropped an octave. “Is it yours? What happened, Merlin?”

 

“I slept with him,” was Merlin’s reply. She was dumbfounded once more as her grip on his fingers went slack momentarily.

 

“ _What_?”

 

“I slept with him,” Merlin repeated as he looked at their interlinked hands. “I let him touch me. I let him do things to me, be with me, I let him in. But it—it wasn’t his fault that I got the wrong idea when he—I love him, Gwen. I fell in love with him. But he doesn’t feel the same way and he won’t because I’m not it. I can’t be someone worthy for him. I’m not. So I—ended it.”

 

She kept quiet. The silence never sounded so loud before. “I see,” she said, breaking the silence. “I—Merlin, why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“How?” he asked. “How can I tell you that I’m sleeping with Arthur _bloody_ Pendragon? You’ll look at me like I lost a nut in the head!”

 

“And you did!” she said, her eyebrows furrowed deep as a frown appeared on her face. “You were stupid, Merlin. God, you knew all about him. You _knew_ him. And you let him touch you, _why_?”

 

“Because when he touched me, I thought he loved me.”

 

There, he said it. His eyes felt wet and his heart started to throb harder. It was aching in his chest and it wouldn’t stop. His mind was muddled and he wanted nothing more but to breathe in a paper bag. He needed to or else he was about to hyperventilate. She noticed the slight change in his breathing pattern and sighed slowly.

 

“Breathe, Merlin, come on, relax,” she said before she gave him a wary smile. “I’m not mad. I could never be mad at you. I know you had your reasons for not telling me and now that you told me about it, I—I’m not mad. Or disgusted, or even disappointed. I’m just sad for you, Merlin.”

 

Merlin felt the relief wash into him at the words and immediately, he felt himself relaxing. “Gwen,” he croaked out. His voice felt sore as he spoke. “What am I going to do?”

 

“I take it he didn’t react so well when you told him you were in love with him, then? That’s why he took that long mission,” she said. Merlin simply nodded.

 

“I ended it between us,” he said. “We were only physical but I wanted something else from him, something that he couldn’t give to me. So, I didn’t want to torture myself anymore and ended it.”

 

“I get it now,” she said. “I’m here, Merlin. Whenever you need me. Is that why you’re so sceptical about Gwaine?”

 

Merlin remained quiet before he sighed. “I don’t know,” he said. “He isn’t bad, Gwen. He’s—nice. He hears me, he listens to me instead of calling me names, he makes my life seem so much lighter. He does this weird magic tricks that I’m not even sure _is_ a magic trick. He makes me forget about Arthur. He makes me feel… _wanted_.”

 

“But?” Gwen prodded him, knowing exactly that there was more.

 

“But I’m not ready yet to start again,” he said. “Maybe I never will.”

 

She didn’t say anything more this time as she simply squeezed their fingers together. Merlin glanced at her before he gave her a weak smile. All she ever did was smile back and he could read the reassurance that everything would be fine in her eyes. That would not be true this time around, but he appreciated her concern and thanked her mentally.

 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

 

He was numb from the pain.

 

***

 

Gwen was cautious with him after that day. For the past two days, she kept an eye on him, like he was some toddler who was about to fall off the cliff. But he didn’t realise how much he needed the reassurance that someone cared for him until she was there. He felt relieved that he could finally tell her. The guilt died and it was nice to be able to look at her in the eyes and tell her exactly how he felt.

 

Gwaine on the other hand, Merlin was still sceptical about him. But he knew that the agent was trying his best to impress him. The brunet just wished he knew if this was a temporary or a permanent thing. He needed to know if Gwaine would still cherish him like this if he agreed to be with him.

 

His heart protested at the idea. It protested so much that he couldn’t even breathe whenever he tried to sleep at night. It seemed that his heart was still stuck on the blond-haired agent. It wanted him so much that Merlin had even woken up gasping for air, searching for something to keep himself grounded only to realise that the thing he was missing was the warmth radiated from the said agent.

 

Everything about his feelings for Arthur was ridiculous. How could he have fallen in love so deep that he couldn’t even climb out of it without injuring himself? It was ridiculous and yet, he couldn’t stop himself.

 

His head was filled with him.

 

His heart yearned for him.

 

He himself wanted him.

 

And he couldn’t fucking _stop_.

 

He sighed in frustration as he slammed the screwdriver on his desk. “Working too hard, perhaps?” the voice asked, familiar and in humour. Merlin glanced at the agent before rolling his eyes at Gwaine.

 

“Not really,” he said before he faked a smile. “Dumb things.” Gwaine stared at him amused for a second, causing Merlin to raise his eyebrows. To be honest, despite his stubborn heart, Gwaine still managed to get him out of his head long enough to enjoy the world that didn’t need Arthur in it. It was a relaxing world out there, coloured with independency and self-assurance that everything would be alright.

 

Gwaine had managed to make him think other things that didn’t revolve around the blond-haired agent. For that alone, Gwaine was special in his own ways for making Merlin feel like he could be himself again, even if it was all just for a minute.

 

“Poor things, it’s getting abused by you,” he said after a minute.

 

“Well, I should be pitied, not these things,” Merlin said as he glared at the equipment on his table. Then, he felt a hand, touching his face and lifting his chin up so he would look at Gwaine. The brunet’s eyes widened, unsure of what was happening when he realised that they were close. “Gwaine? What are you doing?”

 

“You look better when you smile, Merlin,” he said with his own smile and for a second, he felt his heart thumping louder against his chest and his mind slowly going blank. He just stared at the hazel eyes, not realising that somehow, they were getting closer. His breath hitched at his throat when he felt the warmth breath from Gwaine rubbing his upper lip. “Really better.”

 

“G—Gwaine,” Merlin said and for a second, his entire body froze when he felt Gwaine’s lips on his. It was just for a fleeting second before it was gone, but Merlin was still frozen when Gwaine placed some space between them. His heart quickened and his mind just went white like a blank canvas.

 

“I—Merlin,” Gwaine started. He looked slightly guilty. It was like he hadn’t expected he would do that. Gwaine looked like Merlin had punched him in the face. “Sorry, I just, you looked so cute and I—”

 

“It’s,” Merlin began, first words out since he was frozen a minute ago. “Gwaine, why? I—I thought I said—”

 

“I know, and I’m sorry,” Gwaine said as he bit his bottom lip. “Merlin, I’m _sorry_.”

 

The apology was sincere and it cut through all the doubts that Merlin had about the agent. He looked at Gwaine for a minute before he sighed. “Don’t—don’t do this again. You told me you won’t force anything that I’m not ready on me.”

 

“I know,” Gwaine said regretfully. “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again, I promise.”

 

Merlin watched him silently. He knew he should be angry that Gwaine had touched him when he certainly hadn’t consented. Taken him off guard like that was a bad move. But then when he was about to retort, he saw Gwaine’s eyes and Merlin realised—they were the same ones as he had when he had looked into Arthur’s eyes.

 

They looked defeated.

 

“Okay,” Merlin said as Gwaine relaxed a bit, though his smile on his face looked strained.

 

“I’ll just—get going,” he said after a minute of silence. Merlin didn’t stop him.

 

***

 

Merlin really shouldn’t have thought that this solitude would last long.

 

He didn’t think he would have to deal with this soon though. Perhaps he should start realising that not everything went about his way. Life had a great deal of fun when it went the wrong direction for him. Like now, for an instance.

 

He heard the rumours and gossip. They were loud whenever he passed by other agents and other technicians. They were all around him, wrapping him up in this reality that he could never really escape.

 

When Gwen found him at the hallway, her eyes told her all.

 

The rumours were true.

 

_Arthur was back_.

 

“Merlin,” she started but the brunet simply shook his head.

 

“I’m not ready,” was all he told her as he walked past her and down the hallways to the break-room. He needed coffee. He needed caffeine. He didn’t care if he looked like some caffeine-addict. If it calmed his nerves down, he should do it.

 

So, he drank the hot coffee, ignoring how it burnt his tongue. He didn’t know how long he had been spending in the break-room to calm himself down and honestly, work was the last thing on his mind at the moment.

 

He ran his fingers through his hair as he took a shuddering breath in.

 

How was he going to face Arthur?

 

Was Arthur even going to acknowledge him now that he was back?

 

Merlin didn’t know the answers to any of these questions, but somewhere deep in his heart, he hoped he wouldn’t have to find out. He didn’t want to find out to be honest.

 

And the only thing he could do now was wait, wasn’t it?

 

Just—wait.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine! 
> 
> A/N: Welllllll--sorry for the absolute almost one-month late update, guys! I was having my semester exam, so...yeah. Anyways, I'm not sure about the twists and turns I added in here, but uh--I hope you guys will like it. Also, thank you all to those who have read, subscribed, kudos, commented and even bookmarked! Until the next chapter~! -Krystal

 

 

The fact that Arthur was back still didn’t settle well for Merlin. The talk about how he had managed to finish this mission shorter than everyone thought he would was soon what all the new agents were talking about.

 

Merlin had to keep himself from laughing bitterly at their faces. Arthur had always managed to surprise everyone, all the time. It was just how he was. It was just who he was.

 

It had been two days since he had last found out that Arthur had come back.

 

And yet, Merlin hadn’t even seen a glimpse of him.

 

He knew he should be relieved that the blond-haired agent hadn’t wanted to see him yet. He knew he should be glad that he didn’t have to deal with this matter for now. He wanted to put this all off as long as he could. He was getting his wish, wasn’t he?

 

But somewhere deep in his heart, there was a soft yearning to see Arthur. His heart clawed at the walls, wondering when Merlin would move and see him. But his mind told his heart that that would never happen if he could help it and he personally agreed with his head.

 

His face, his smiles, his shining blue eyes, Merlin wasn’t ready to see them again. He wanted to push away everything he had felt for the blond before seeing him again. He wanted to feel like himself once more before he had to face the music.

 

Sometimes, he felt like he was walking on thin ice. Sometimes, he felt like he couldn’t fit the puzzle pieces of his life to make a picture where he didn’t get hurt. Sometimes, he just felt so lost.

 

Gwen watched him carefully even though she knew she couldn’t say anything much to cheer him up. She simply nodded at the atmosphere, the resigned aura floating about Merlin. “You can’t give up,” she said to him that day as she placed a hand on his right shoulder. “You have to show him that you can be fine without him.”

 

“I can?” Merlin asked and he felt pathetic that he had to ask someone else about how he was supposed to feel. She frowned before she sighed.

 

“This isn’t you, and you know that,” she said as she squeezed his shoulder. “Merlin, this isn’t you. Come back, please. The Merlin I knew wouldn’t be asking me that. He would be confident that he could be fine without anyone else. The Merlin I knew had made a Pendragon feeling like he was a spoiled prat. The Merlin I knew—wouldn’t give up.”

 

The words fuelled his heart and the remains of his broken spirit slowly glued back together because of her words. Merlin wondered briefly how he would be if Gwen wasn’t around here to talk some sense into him. He removed the thoughts as he walked down the hallway.

 

He hoped he wouldn’t see Arthur today either.

 

“Merlin.” Gwaine saw him as he was about to take a sharp left, heading to the elevator. Merlin glanced at the agent and went briefly tense. After that day, after Gwaine had kissed him, the agent had given him some space, something that Merlin was grateful for.

 

And then slowly, the agent began to talk to him again. He didn’t dare to touch Merlin after that day and somewhere in his mind, he began to see what the appeal was with Gwaine. He respected Merlin’s decision and he didn’t manipulate him. He was there when the brunet needed him to be and was out of his sight when he needed his space.

 

His heart lightened when he caught those bright hazel eyes. “Gwaine,” Merlin greeted back as the agent stood in front of him, a smile on his face.

 

“You look good,” he said after a second and Merlin raised his eyebrows.

 

“I guess,” he said though he wasn’t sure what Gwaine meant.

 

After a minute of silence, Merlin realised what it was that Gwaine was pointing out about. Gwaine noticed the flicker of doubt in the blue eyes before he shook his head. “I didn’t mean it that way.”

 

“Then what way did you mean it?” Merlin asked.

 

“I’m just,” Gwaine said for a second. “I wanted to know if you’re alright. That’s all.”

 

“I’m fine,” Merlin said quickly. Gwaine silently watched him and the brunet knew that he was caught out on his own lie. His shoulders slumped and the agent took a step forward. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

 

“You don’t have to be afraid, Merlin,” he told him. The technician simply didn’t reply. He knew that he didn’t have to be afraid. He knew that he had control of his life. He didn’t need Gwaine to tell him that. But just hearing those words calmed himself down. He looked at the agent before he shrugged.

 

“I know,” he said quietly. “You heard, huh?”

 

“Saw him too,” Gwaine said though he didn’t look pleased with it. “Saw him every day in fact.”

 

Merlin flinched at the thought of seeing Arthur again. “I see.”

 

“Merlin,” Gwaine started but Merlin simply stopped him with a slight shake of his head.

 

“Don’t,” he said and Gwaine quietened down. “It’s honestly not your problem. I—I’m not trying to sound cruel but it’s something I have to take care on my own, okay?”

 

Gwaine wanted to retort, Merlin knew from the way he opened his mouth and the way he furrowed his eyebrows. But then, he closed his mouth and simply nodded. “Okay,” he said. Then, he slowly reached over and took hold one of the brunet’s hands in his palm. Merlin froze at the touch as he glanced down to their hands. “Just know, I’m here. I—I want to be here for you.”

 

The agent’s thumb caressed his hand, almost carefully, as if Merlin would break if he touched him anymore. The softness of the touch had him feeling light inside, cherished and wanted. He felt his breath hitching at his throat as he looked back up at Gwaine. Merlin noticed the warmth in those eyes and almost immediately felt guilty at the thoughts in his mind.

 

He might never ever love him like how he loved Arthur.

 

And that thought was now beginning to sound even scarier because here Gwaine was, willing to be someone who could love him as much as he loved Arthur. But to think he might never be able to do this, for Gwaine, was a frightening to think about. He pushed the thought away from his mind and smiled back at the agent.

 

“I know,” he said softly. “I know, Gwaine.”

 

He slowly detangled his hand from Gwaine’s grasp. The agent didn’t seem to mind as he smiled wider at the brunet. “Let’s grab something to eat.”

 

It was almost like a routine. Every time it was lunch time, he would find Gwaine waiting for him. When on the days that he couldn’t be around, Gwen would be there to gush about how Gwaine was with him. He found himself relaxing in this routine slowly though. He didn’t find it awkward to say yes anymore to him. He might hesitate once in a while, but at the end, he would end up following Gwaine.

 

“Okay,” Merlin said as Gwaine grinned. With that, they continued their way to the elevator. After a few seconds, the door to the elevator opened. Merlin was about to take a step forward when his eyes landed to the person—the only person inside the elevator.

 

Gwaine paused as well. Both of them froze as their eyes caught the familiar blue ones, staring right back at them. Merlin stopped breathing for a whole minute and his entire body froze. The silence greeted them as the brunet felt panic, disappointment and hurt suddenly washing in.

 

He felt like he couldn’t breathe. His mind simply stopped functioning and his heart started to beat loud against his chest. Just then, he felt Gwaine wrapping his hand around his, holding his hand and squeezing it like an assurance that he was here, that everything would be fine.

 

Merlin, without thinking much, simply squeezed back Gwaine’s hand as he broke eye contact from— _Arthur_. He could feel the blond-haired agent’s gaze on him as he walked into the elevator, Gwaine following him.

 

“Gwaine,” Arthur greeted him. Merlin flinched when he heard his voice and immediately, his heart ached in his chest. He didn’t know how much he had missed Arthur until he heard his voice again. His head started to spin and he felt dizzy. He squeezed Gwaine’s hand tight, as he recounted the equations in his head to calm himself down.

 

“Arthur,” Gwaine said back, though his voice was tight.

 

The silence that followed right after was tense. Merlin didn’t even glance at Arthur, instead, he kept his eyes fixed on the ground until the elevator doors opened to their floor. Without even waiting, Gwaine walked out, pulling Merlin with their interlinked hand. The brunet stumbled out before he caught up and walked beside him.

 

“You okay?” Gwaine asked after a minute as he squeezed their hands. Merlin remained quiet before he took in a deep shaky breath.

 

“I guess,” he said before he glanced at Gwaine and gave him a broken smile. “I’ll be fine.”

 

Gwaine didn’t say anything else, instead, he just watched Merlin seriously. The brunet looked away from the agent and continued to follow him, unsure of where they were going as long as it wasn’t here. Their hands interlocked the entire way and he didn’t feel like he should break the hold for now.

 

So, he didn’t. And Gwaine didn’t move to release himself from the hold either.

 

***

 

He knew that avoiding Arthur was inevitable. The agent was going to find him, one way or the other. But he didn’t expect the blond-haired agent to find him this quick. Gwaine had left him alone after lunch with just a wary smile at his direction. Then, without any more incident, Merlin decided to start working.

 

One by one, the other technicians left as the night became staller and before the brunet realised, it had been nearing one in the morning. Gwen had stopped by before she headed home, simply assuring Merlin that he should go home soon too. He knew she was worried, so she simply said he would despite the fact that that wasn’t what he wanted to do at the moment.

 

Besides, he had a lot of coffee in between the tiny breaks, he was still with too much energy to sleep.

 

And the worst part about it, he didn’t know how to get himself tired enough to leave. He sighed to himself when he glanced at the items on the table. He knew that he could finish them up later. It wasn’t that urgent. He pushed the item away from him as he sat on his chair and tilted his head upwards, just to work on the kink near his neck.

 

The night silence, as there was no one else but him in this section of the office, was blaring loudly at him. His mind wrapped around the fact that Arthur was back, that he had seen him today and there was no way he could react positively in front of that man.

 

How was it that Merlin always ended up being subjected to too much drama and still had no break to his happy ending? Maybe when he died, he would finally find the peace he had been desperately seeking for. Just as he was about to close his eyes and let the quiet office lull him off for a few minutes of nap—the doors to the office opened silently.

 

The brunet immediately looked at the doorway and for a moment, he wondered if his life could get any worse. He shuddered at the thought as he slowly stood up. The said person continued to walk in though he stopped a few metres away from Merlin’s desk. The technician stared at him, his breath once again hitching at his throat and his eyes widening as the agent stood before him, with no emotions running on his face.

 

He didn’t know how long they had been staring at each other, the clear blue ones meeting the slightly darker shade of blue, but when he took a step forward, Merlin took a step back and immediately, all the insecurity, hurt and disappointment crashed on him like a ton bricks.

 

He flinched at the emotions as he gulped down the bitter taste crawling on his mouth. He wanted to do so many things, one of them was to take his things and throw at where the agent was standing. Merlin had wanted him to know how hurt he had been and how he missed him. But that wasn’t just what he wanted to convey.

 

No, he wanted to convey calmness, like Arthur’s arrival, like him standing in front of the brunet, like everything between them before this, meant nothing to Merlin. He clamped down any emotion running in his eyes as he straightened himself, making sure he looked confident and not—broken.

 

Despite how fake this entire act was.

 

The agent took another step forward, his face still held the emotionless mask.

 

Seconds ticked on and the silence between them was becoming tenser.

 

“Merlin,” was his first words to him, breaking the silence. Merlin felt the silent gasp working out of his lips, because, god, he missed how his name felt whenever Arthur said it. However, he swallowed the gasp down because no, he wasn’t going to give in to Arthur.

 

Not today and not anymore.

 

No matter what, he wasn’t going to do this anymore, he wasn’t going to allow Arthur to sweep him off his feet like he did the last time. His thrust was still on the ground, it was still waiting for Arthur to pick the pieces up and fix them. But he left.

 

The agent before him left him alone.

 

Merlin knew he was glad that Arthur had left him alone for a few days, weeks, but that didn’t mean that was what he wanted. He was hoping that the agent would’ve found him, talked to him, get them back to where they were even if it wasn’t where Merlin wanted them to be.

 

But no, Arthur fucking _left_.

 

“What are you doing here?” Merlin asked, his voice sounded clipped and cold. Arthur stood in front of him, his hands in his trouser pockets and just stared at the brunet. The technician knew he was looking at him, and then some deeper, into his soul and that was what scared Merlin even more. The brunet knew that Arthur could read him like an open book if he wanted to.

 

He held no secrets from Arthur. He couldn’t even if he tried to.

 

“I came to see you,” Arthur said as he took in how Merlin looked. “You look—alright.”

 

“Thanks,” Merlin said curtly before he looked back down to his desk. He took random pieces of the items on his desk and tried to decide what to do with them, trying to make himself look busy. But he heard Arthur moving closer and before he could ask him to go away, he felt the agent standing close to the desk, his dark shadow looming on the items on the table.

 

“Merlin,” he said and his voice was calm. It was calm and it reminded him all the times that Arthur had used that voice on him, had him powerless against him, had him at his mercy because he talked to him that way. But he couldn’t do this again. He choked at his own frustration and desperation as he shook his head, his eyes still on the desk. “Merlin, look at me.”

 

“No,” Merlin said, his voice sounded broken. “No, please, just leave.” Before Merlin could say anything more, Arthur touched his right wrist and halted him from doing anything else. Everything inside of Merlin stopped working for a second and the horrible realisation dawned him that he was still craving for this man in front of him.

 

His eyes became wet as he glanced at the hand circling his wrist. It felt warm, like it usually did, and it was everything he dreamt about wanting since he left the agent. Arthur squeezed his wrist but he didn’t tighten the grip, merely a presence, warm and there.

 

“Merlin,” he said slowly. “I—Can you look at me, please?”

 

The brunet felt shaken from within as he closed his eyes tight. The words ran through his head, the way Arthur felt against him still burned through him. He immediately snatched his wrist away from his grip harshly and opened his eyes. He glared at him. “Go away, Arthur. Just get lost.”

 

“Merlin,” he said.

 

“ _What_?” the brunet seethed out. “What could you possibly want? I don’t have time for you, Arthur.”

 

Arthur sighed as he ran his fingers through his blond hair. “If you could just listen to me,” he started as he decided to sidestep around the desk to stand in front of the brunet. “If you could just listen—”

 

“I don’t want to,” Merlin said as he shook his head. “I thought I said we’re done, Arthur. I’m done with this. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t do this with you anymore. I—I’m—I’m in love with you, Arthur,” his voice cracked at the end. “I can’t—”

 

“I’m not asking for anything,” Arthur said as his voice went low. “I’m not asking anything from you, Merlin. I just—I wanted to see you.”

 

“Well you have now,” Merlin snapped as he decided to gather his things and walk away.

 

“Are you really going to walk away?” Arthur finally asked, halting the brunet from taking another step forward. “Are you really going to run away?”

 

The words swam in his head as he gritted his teeth. The pure anger washed in him as he turned around. He narrowed his eyes and chewed at the words that Arthur threw at him. Had the _nerve_ to throw at him.

 

“Walk away?” Merlin questioned. “Run away?”

 

Arthur’s jaw clicked tight and Merlin knew right there and then that this was going to turn ugly. “You think I’m the one _running away_?” Merlin asked. “ _Me_? Oh wow. How could you be so fucking _ignorant_?”

 

“Merlin—”

 

“ _You’re_ the one who ran away!” Merlin finally yelled, his voice reaching a peak he didn’t know he could. The raw anger just kept him from thinking rationally about this situation. He didn’t know how to let his frustrations known without raising his voice, without voicing them out angrily.

 

He was so disappointed. He was hurt. He didn’t need to wallow in this pain any more than he did. What was Arthur trying to do to him? Was he trying to pour salt to his wounds? Was he trying to open up the barely healing scratches? Did he want to see Merlin crumpled to pieces?

 

“I didn’t run away,” Merlin continued. “I didn’t. I couldn’t. Every single fucking time, I came back to you and only you. I let you touch me, I let you have me—it’s—no, you didn’t come looking for me, you didn’t _want_ me. You’re the one who ran away scared. It’s you!”

 

“I’m not the one who fucking walked away that day, Merlin!” Arthur ground out, frustrated. “I wasn’t the one who pushed you away. I wasn’t the one who rejected you. You did, you told me you fell in love with me and walked away! What the hell was I supposed to think?”

 

Merlin silently watched him. He was upset beyond words at the moment. How dare Arthur try to pin this on him? Those words rang true however. Some of those words were true because Merlin didn’t ask how Arthur saw about this situation. The brunet was the one who ended everything but it wasn’t without basis. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to give Arthur a chance. No, he knew that he could never be any more to the blond-haired man, that was why he left.

 

It wasn’t a choice at all.

 

“I thought you needed space,” Arthur finally said. “I thought you needed to think about it, then you would come back to me, we would work this out and we could get past this. But I didn’t think for one second you would go ahead and start sleeping with someone else.”

 

Merlin’s heart stopped beating for a second at the words. He took a menacing step forward before he narrowed his eyes. “I’m not some cheap company you could get, I’m not someone who would sleep with the next person who showed interest in me. I’m not _you_.”

 

Arthur’s jaw tightened before he took a step forward as well, evading Merlin’s personal space. “Oh really? That sounds really hard to believe with how you’re smouldering under Gwaine’s attention.”

 

Merlin immediately sharpened his glare at the man. “No, you don’t get to do that. You _don’t_!”

 

“Do what?”

 

“You do not get to act like a bloody prat right now,” Merlin hissed as the hurt coloured his insides. “You don’t get to act like you have the right to be upset about this!”

 

“I don’t?” Arthur snapped. “Oh bloody grow up, Merlin! You were holding hands with him, smiling at him like he’s the one you love, I come back and find out you’re fucking him instead! So much for you being in love with me, isn’t it?”

 

The brunet couldn’t believe a single word that was pouring out of the blond-haired man’s mouth. He couldn’t believe it. His head was spinning from the hurt and anger and his heart ached at the things he was being accused of. He knew how it looked like to other people whenever he agreed to eat lunch with Gwaine or held hands with him, but wasn’t he even allowed to be happy?

 

“Oh,” Merlin said dryly, catching Arthur’s attention. He felt—broken. Arthur had actually thought that he would be that cheap? How low had he become under the agent’s gaze? His chest felt stuffy from the thoughts. The pain suddenly crashed into him without waiting for him to adjust to this hurt. His eyes watered and the need to slap Arthur’s face was beginning to bubble in him. “I’m cheap. You think I’m cheap.”

 

Arthur remained stubbornly quiet but Merlin saw the sudden wash of regret. But unless he had said it out loud, the brunet didn’t take that as regret. He would take this situation that yes, he had fallen that low in the blond-haired man’s eyes. The truth was painful to bear as he chuckled darkly. What was he expecting from this anyway? He was lucky not to be called cheap in the face.

 

“Thank you for making it clear to me then,” Merlin said he looked away from the man. “Thank you for making me feel even more worthless.”

 

Immediately Arthur grabbed his wrist, halting him. “Merlin, I didn’t—”

 

“Let me go!” Merlin said as he snatched his wrist away. He glared at the blond-haired man before he thinned his lips. He knew that if he stayed there any longer, the tears would escape his eyes. They were threatening at the edge of his eyes, ready to be spilt. How could Arthur think like that about him? “ _Fuck you_.”

 

With that, he turned around and walked away. This time, Arthur didn’t stop him.

 

***

 

His life was turned upside down again. Merlin really thought that he would be fine, he thought he could finally breathe but then Arthur came back, that was it, he was back to the beginning, back to square one. He quickly started to hate this feeling, this feeling of hopelessness.

 

Arthur had nothing on him. Merlin shouldn’t be feeling like he had left behind a huge piece of him. But he did as he tried to take in a deep breath. He avoided Arthur since that day. He couldn’t stand to realise that that was how Arthur viewed him.

 

He loved that bloody prat. The mere thought that he was looked down upon in such a way was heart breaking. Gwaine hadn’t come around to see him either and Merlin thanked him mentally that he somehow didn’t come around. He didn’t think he was ready to see his face either.

 

Two days rolled by and without single news from the both of them, Merlin let himself breathe a bit. Gwen glanced at him as they walked away from the building, heading home from work. The brunet noticed her stares at him but he didn’t call it out.

 

“Merlin,” she said after a while. The cold London breeze caressed their faces as Merlin stopped walking. He looked at her before he nodded. “He went to see you, didn’t he?”

 

“Who?” Merlin asked.

 

“Arthur.”

 

The name once again brought back memories that he desperately wanted to remove from his head. He nodded solemnly to himself as he took in a deep breath. “Yeah.”

 

“What happened?” she asked, somehow carefully threading through the conversation. Merlin thinned his lips as the words jumbled back into his mind painfully. His eyes no longer ached to water, but his heart still gently whined. His chest felt stuffy again and he was slightly astonished at how one person could make him feel so horrible.

 

“He saw me with Gwaine,” Merlin said finally as he caught her brown eyes. “He—confronted me after he saw me with Gwaine.”

 

He didn’t continue but Merlin knew Gwen caught on what happened next.

 

She breathed out heavily. “What are you going to do?”

 

“Nothing,” was Merlin’s easy reply. She scrunched her eyebrows in confusion. “Nothing, Gwen. There’s nothing I can do.”

 

“Arthur’s an idiot,” she mumbled under her breath as Merlin smiled up to her, though it was shaky and unsure. She shook her head before she patted his shoulder. “Come on, let’s go home.”

 

Merlin followed her quietly as he once again pushed away any thoughts of the blond-haired man from his mind. He had made up his mind, hadn’t he? He wouldn’t go back to that road again. He wouldn’t let Arthur hurt him anymore, even if at the end of the day, he had no one else but himself to be blamed for.

 

***

 

“Merlin.”

 

The brunet stopped walking as he looked up from his clipboard. He chewed on the pen cap as he glanced at who it was that called him. He froze momentarily, taking away the pen cap from his mouth, when he saw Gwaine, standing in front of him, just looking at him quietly. For a second, Merlin’s mind screamed at him to run away, to ignore Gwaine because this was going to end badly. This was not a part of Merlin’s plan from the beginning and he shouldn’t change his plans now either.

 

But Gwaine caught his eyes and held his gaze until they were staring at each other quietly. Merlin saw how the mixed emotions washed in those orbs before they settled to uncertainty. The raw emotions in those eyes, aimed at him, were new for Merlin to experience.

 

“Gwaine,” Merlin acknowledged him at the end, looking away and breaking the eye contact.

 

Silence once again overcame them in the hushed hallway until Merlin had to shift from one foot to the other, just to hear some noise. Then, he felt a hand landing on his shoulder, jolting him away from his awkwardness. He looked at Gwaine once more.

 

“Hey,” Gwaine said as he smiled, though it was small and maybe testing the waters. Merlin smiled back feebly even though he was sure Gwaine had caught how it really looked right now—broken and battered. The squeeze on his shoulder was enough to verify that indeed, Gwaine knew.

 

“What do you want, Gwaine?” Merlin finally asked as he gently pushed Gwaine’s hand from his shoulder. The agent didn’t look hurt but instead, a strange look covered his face. Merlin carefully avoided looking his eyes.

 

“Nothing, I just wanted to see you,” Gwaine said he cleared his throat. The same line—with a different face. Merlin wanted to tell him the same thing he told Arthur that day; that he had already seen him and it was time for him to leave. But the words got stuck in his throat as he noticed the shine in those eyes.

 

“Okay,” Merlin said finally as Gwaine’s tiny smile brightened and widened. “What do you really want, Gwaine?” he finally asked as Gwaine chuckled, standing up straighter and Merlin saw the familiar confidence shining again around him.

 

“Are you currently busy?” he asked.

 

Merlin raised his clipboard. “What do you think, Gwaine?” he asked though he couldn’t help but to lift the corner of his lips upwards.

 

“I think that can wait, couldn’t it?” Gwaine said as he took a step forward. The closeness took Merlin off guard for a moment before he regained his composure and raised his eyebrows. “Come on, I need company.”

 

“Oh really?” Merlin asked. Gwaine watched him for a minute before he gently held Merlin’s right hand, their fingers intertwining almost immediately. He squeezed their fingers tightly and a silent warning bell went off in Merlin’s mind.

 

Merlin glanced at their intertwined fingers and he briefly felt all the anxiousness and anger fading away. It felt like he could breathe for a minute back there. But his heart still wailed at him when he realised what he was doing and gently pried his hand away. Gwaine noticed the look on his face before he huffed out his breath softly, though not unkindly.

 

“It’s alright, you know,” Gwaine said after a while. Merlin looked at him before he looked away. “I know it’s going to be harder now. He’s not away and I can’t—I might not ever be able to compete against him. I know that, Merlin.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Merlin said softly under his breath. He heard a dry chuckle but there was no regret in his laugh.

 

“Don’t be sorry, please,” he said. “It’s—I still think I can make you feel better. I can still heal you. And I’ll still take what you’ll give me. I won’t ask for more.”

 

“I know,” Merlin said as he looked at the agent and gave him a smile, warm yet uncertain at the same time. He didn’t want to have this conversation yet. Hurting them both along the way wasn’t the goal he had in mind. “You said you wanted company? I could spare an hour or so.”

 

Gwaine caught his change of conversation and took the route. “Yeah,” he said. “Let’s go shooting.”

 

Merlin raised his eyebrows at the man. “I’m not good at it,” he said honestly despite he had gotten used to too many types of guns in his field of work. He knew where and what each part was. He knew how each of them worked and he knew how to disassemble and assemble them back with a blindfold on. But surprisingly, he couldn’t shoot well.

 

The irony.

 

Gwaine didn’t wait for Merlin to protest more, he simply turned around and walked away. “Come on, Merlin. It’ll be fun.”

 

How it was fun shooting imaginary targets that might be someone else’s head one day, Merlin didn’t know. But his mind was exhausted from the work and his heart was tired from all the emotions. This moment, he wanted for a minute to just forget about everything and to do something without thinking so much. At the end, he ended up following Gwaine to the shooting arena, not thinking twice about it.

 

Gwaine grabbed what he needed while Merlin waited at booth number two. He had placed his clipboard and pen on the table before he looked ahead to spot the targets. Gwaine walked to him after a while and placed two handguns on the table. He handed one of the earmuffs and a pair glasses to him before he smiled.

 

“I’m going to suck,” Merlin said. Sure, he had the licence to shoot, but that was because it was basic training for anyone who would be handling guns as one of their main projects and invention. But Merlin never used the privilege unless it was to test out whether the guns were working.

 

“I’ll teach you,” Gwaine said with a grin as he wore the glasses and wore the earmuff, already assembling the gun and loading it with bullets. Merlin simply huffed out his breath as he watched Gwaine holding out the gun and made his stance ready. “Just watch and learn.”

 

“Show off,” Merlin muttered under his breath before he wore his own equipment and watched him. In matter of seconds, the loud sounds filled the arena, and the bullets ended up piercing near the bull’s eye target. Merlin’s eyes widened at the precision and accuracy in his shooting.

 

Gwaine glanced at him before he grinned proudly. “How’s that?” he asked loudly and Merlin had to admit, that was pretty good. The agent then pointed the gun on the table and back at him. The brunet shifted from one foot to the other before he eyed the agent for a second. After a minute, he finally grabbed the gun and Gwaine changed the target paper with a new one.

 

He really was going to suck, Merlin knew it but the look on Gwaine’s face had him wondering if maybe, he could do it after all. So, he tried not to embarrass himself much as he looked at the target and raised the gun. He poised just like how he usually did when he held the gun and—there it was. The slight tremors in his hand as he aimed the gun at the target.

 

There was always this short fear whenever he held a gun and tried to shoot the target, despite it being to test out the weapon or if it was something like this. It was still an uncomfortable notion that somehow, one way or the other, they would be used to injure another individual. He tried, but he just couldn’t do it as he dropped the gun to his sides and heaved out a sigh.

 

A hand touched his right wrist where he was holding the gun and before he knew it, Gwaine was helping him to aim again. Merlin glanced at the agent as the man smiled at him, feeling the warmth of the hand around his wrist. The brunet then licked his lips as he looked back at the target. He felt another arm around him, trying to make sure his posture was correct.

 

Somehow, he knew he should be pushing Gwaine away, trying to keep a distance, but then, he felt—calm. The tremors in his hands were gone and before he realised it, he had shot the target. It wasn’t anywhere near the bull’s eye, but he still managed to hit the target without thinking so much. He felt astonished at himself as Gwaine detangled from the brunet and took a step back.

 

Merlin took down his earmuffs before he looked at Gwaine. “I did it,” he said.

 

“Yeah, never doubted you,” Gwaine said with a chuckle. “You just need to relax.”

 

“I’m just—I never liked guns,” Merlin finally said after a while, staring at the item in his hands. “They always felt so dark. So ugly to me.”

 

“They are,” Gwaine said. “But it feels great to shoot something once in a while, doesn’t it?”

 

Merlin quirked his lips upwards as he placed the gun on the table. “On that target? Yeah. It does.”

 

Gwaine went quiet for a while before he smiled gently. Merlin hadn’t realised that somehow, Gwaine had come close to him, in his personal space, breathing the same air as he was. His heart started to beat loudly against his chest and his mind was staring to become blank when he felt Gwaine’s hand on his cheek, caressing it gently.

 

“What?” Merlin asked as he looked at the man in the eyes. Gwaine didn’t say anything but the caresses on his cheek told enough for the brunet to decipher what was going on. He closed his eyes before he dropped his head on Gwaine’s shoulder, his forehead just resting there. He felt—tired again. He was emotionally drained, he just—wanted to be himself again.

 

Gwaine didn’t say anything as he wrapped his arms around Merlin, keeping him in place. Merlin didn’t hug him back, but the warmth was more than enough for him to calm down, from all the recent events. Just then, a loud slam of something jolted them away from each other, as Merlin pushed Gwaine away, his cheeks blazing red and his heart now beating heavily against his chest.

 

He glanced away from Gwaine, not meeting his eyes as he looked ahead and then—he saw _him_.

 

Arthur.

 

Standing at one of the booth, taking down his earmuffs and just staring back at Merlin with an unreadable expression in his eyes.

 

And immediately, Merlin felt like his blood had ran cold, that Arthur had witnessed it, that this wasn’t happening again. Arthur’s words still rung in his head like poison as something thick and heavy lodged itself in his throat. He continued to stare at the blond-haired agent and felt his fluster turned into hurt again.

 

His luck sucked so bad.

 


End file.
